Real talk – our society has terrible boundaries with pregnant people.

Despite best intentions, many people unknowingly make pregnant people feel more like communal property than human beings.  You needn’t scratch the internet’s surface much to find countless stories of pregnant people who’ve been touched without consent, given unsolicited advice, and patronized.

Not sure what I’m talking about? Try imagining the following:

Imagine that you’re ordering a drink at your favorite cafe.  When you give your order – a tall vanilla latte – your barista says, Oh honey, don’t you know caffeine isn’t good for the baby?

You love your partner.  You do.  But your relationship is feeling… well, hard. 

Your connection was blissful at first.  Fireworks combined with that oh-so-soothing sense that you found someone who gets you.

And then things changed.  You started seeing signs that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t quite as compatible as you initially fantasized.

But you care about them. And it’s not all bad.  Some sweet aspects of your relationship - the cuddles, the companionship, the sex – would be hard to give up.

You wonder, Is this just a rough patch, or is it time to end this relationship? 

How many times have you heard the phrase, “Relationships are hard work?”

A lot, you say? Yeah, me too.   

As a couples therapist and dating coach, I get a front-row seat to others’ relationship struggles, so I can’t argue with the sentiment.  Relationships are hard for even the most well-adjusted among us.

That said, connecting with a romantic partner is harder for some than others.  Individuals who grew up in dysfunctional families – sometimes called adult children – struggle to be happy in their relationships.

It’s a pattern I’ve seen so consistently in my practice that I generally assume…

It’s Friday, aka date night! You just returned from a 10-day business trip.  You and your Sweetie gleefully snuggle up on the couch, ready for some much-awaited quality time.  

Gazing into one another’s eyes, you catch up on the week's happenings.  They say they missed you but managed to fill their time with friend dates and a pressing work deadline.

You share highlights from your tiring-yet-exciting trip, including the big news – you were invited to speak at a national conference next month!! 

Your partner suddenly seems tense.

Fighting with a romantic partner can be one of life’s most significant stressors.  

During conflict, it can feel like your best friend and life partner suddenly becomes the enemy.  You disconnect and lash out in ways that seem alien in contrast to your happier moments.  Many couples leave their fights feeling sad, alone, and confused – how did we get here? 

Difficulties resolving conflict is the number one reason couples contact me about relationship therapy.

Here’s a potentially uncomfortable truth – fighting is a natural part of being in a relationship.  World-renowned researcher John Gottman found that 69% of issues couples face are “perpetual problems,” i.e., inherently unsolvable conflicts.  

Examples of perpetual problems include:

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

Many people believe that they need to develop confidence or self-esteem in order to overcome anxiety and finally reach their goals.

We disagree.

Instead, we recommend cultivating courage.

Ben and Nina take a road trip to a nearby hot spring for their 1-year anniversary. As they wind along the redwood-studded highway toward their respite, they catch up with one another.

Ben falls quiet after mentioning a project at work. Knowing he hasn't been getting along with his boss recently, Nina asks, “Is something wrong?”

Ben shakes his head and falls silent again, his eyes fixed on the road.

Imagine your partner approaches you looking upset and says the following. As you read through, notice how your body responds to each statement.

• “You’re always late.”

• “I feel anxious when you show up late.”

• “You never take me out anymore!”

• “When you take me out, I feel connected to you. I’m sad we haven’t done that lately.”

• “You’re so selfish!”

• “I feel really frustrated right now.”

What did you notice? Did some statements put you at ease while others stressed you?

Looking for some simple practices that you can use when your anxiety runs high?

I recommend learning and practicing the following skills in a comfortable environment regularly such that they become second nature in high-stress moments.

Once you get the hang of the tools, you’ll find that some can be used discretely in the presence of others. For example, try making your exhalation longer than your inhalation while feeling nervous on a date.

Happy Juneteenth!

Today, on the oldest nationally celebrated commemoration of the end of slavery in the United States, I’d like to take a moment to address racism as it relates to mental health.

In recent weeks, the murder of George Floyd has forced our society to face the 400-year-old wound of racism, white supremacy, and police brutality.