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Imagine your partner approaches you looking upset and says one of the following:
You’re always late.
I feel anxious when you show up late.
You never take me out anymore!
When you take me out, I feel connected to you. I’m sad we haven’t done that lately.
You’re so selfish!
I feel really frustrated right now.
What did you notice? Did some statements put you at ease while others stressed you?
Chances are you felt tense as you read the statements that started with “you” and calm or even compassionate as you read those that began with “I.”
Think of you-statements as a kind of verbal finger-pointing. Starting with the word “you” tends to signal to the listener’s nervous system that criticism, rejection, or an “attack” may be coming.
On the other hand, I-Statements tend to signal safety on a neurobiological level. Because statements that start with “I” are often associated with responsibility-taking rather than blaming, they are less likely to trigger an automatic stress response in the listener.
I-Statements: A Key Assertive Communication Skill Couples Can Use to Avoid Fights
If you and your partner argue frequently, there’s a good chance you’re unintentionally communicating in a way that intensifies rather than diffuses conflict. One of the most powerful communication tools I teach couples is I-Statements.
You-statements are sentences that start with “you” and tend to emphasize the speaker’s judgments about the listener’s behavior, which leaves the couple vulnerable to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
For example: how might you respond to your partner if they used a you-statement like you’re really getting on my nerves? Most people would respond defensively, progressing the interaction into a full-blown argument.
In contrast to You-Statements, I-Statements, focus on the feelings and needs of the speaker and tend to promote calm, compassionate communication.
For example: how might you respond to a partner who uses an I-statement, like I am feeling really frustrated right now? Chances are you’d find it much easier to respond to your partner with kindness and empathy.
The Difference Between I-Statements and You-Statements
Ok, what exactly constitutes an I-Statement, also known as an I-Message?
You may have guessed already that I-Statements aren’t just sentences that start with “I.” After all, you’re not likely to improve your relationship with a statement like I think you’re a jerk!
Let’s wrap our heads around leveraging the power of I-Statements by comparing and contrasting them to You-Statements.
But first, a caveat about I-Statements:
I-statements are only helpful when paired with open, non-threatening body language.
Nonverbal and paraverbal (i.e., sounds that aren’t words) communication composes 93% of how others perceive us. In other words, what you communicate with your body language and tone of voice is arguably more important than the words you use.
So, for example, imagine your partner saying I love you with a smile and a lilt in their voice. Now imagine them saying as much with a sneer and sarcastic tone. Completely different messages, right?
I-Statements vs. You-statements
1. You-Statements are General, I-Statements are Specific
Sweeping generalizations leave room for misunderstanding. I-Statements are a great way to get specific and reduce the chances of misinterpretation.
Imagine: The trash is full to overflowing. Your partner is assigned to trash duty this week.
(General) You-Statement Example: You didn’t clean up like you said you would! You make me so upset!
(Specific) I-Statement Example: I feel frustrated that the trash hasn’t been taken out yet. I would really appreciate it if you would take care of that.
2. You-Statements emphasize Blame, I-Statements take responsibility
Starting a sentence with “you” sets the speaker up to focus on the listener’s actions rather than their own experience. I-Statements, in contrast, encourage the speaker to take full responsibility for their feelings and needs.
Imagine: You dress up for a wedding you’re attending with your partner, who fails to say anything about your appearance.
(Blaming) You-Statement: You’re quiet today! You know, sometimes I think you don’t find me attractive anymore.
(Responsibility-Assuming) I-Statement: When you don’t compliment me about my appearance on special days like today, I feel insecure. I would really love some words of affirmation.
3. You-Statements Focus on the Problem, I-Statements Offer a Solution
Instead of focusing on what’s going wrong, use I-Statements to share your feelings and suggest concrete ways your partner can help support you.
Imagine: You’re going through a difficult health situation. When you share some of your worries with your partner, they respond by giving advice.
(Problem-focused) You-Statement: You think I haven’t already tried all of that?! You just don’t understand. Why can’t you just be there for me?
(Solution-focused) I-Statement: I appreciate you wanting to help, but I don’t want advice right now. I’m feeling really sad and afraid. Would you be willing to hold and listen to me?
4. You-Statements Focus on “shoulds,” I-Statements focus on the present moment
“You” and “should” go together like peas and carrots. And who loves being told what to do? Instead of should-ing on others, I-Statements focus on the speaker’s present moment experience. After all, that’s ultimately where we have the most power, no?
Imagine: Your partner shares about an ongoing conflict with their boss, one that reminds you of a work trauma you experienced.
(Should-y) You-Statement: You know, it seems like you’re really unhappy there. You really should look for another job.
(Present-moment-focused) I-Statement: I’m noticing I’m feeling anxious right now, possibly because what you’re sharing reminds me of some of the difficult experiences I had at my last job. I need to take a moment to be fully present to listen to you.
5. You-Statements name call, I-Statements name feelings
Name-calling comes in many forms, including referring to your partner as a “jerk” or simply indicating that you think they’re self-centered. Avoid these labeling You-Statements and opt for naming your feelings using an I-Statement.
Imagine: Your partner shares that they made plans to spend time with a couple of friends this Friday night, which has historically been your date night.
(Name-calling) You-Statement: What!? I was excited to check out that new restaurant finally. Ugh, you’re so selfish!
(Naming-feelings) I-Statement: I feel really sad that you chose to spend time with your friends this Friday night, our date night.
6. You-Statements emphasize thoughts, I-Statements emphasize feelings
Attachment science tells us that our partners fill a vital biological need: to have a secure base to turn to when we are emotionally distressed. We can create a secure bond with our partners by sharing emotions freely using I-Statements. On the other hand, you-Statements often focus on thoughts alone, which promotes distance in intimate relationships.
Imagine: You excitedly tell your partner that your parents are coming for a visit on Easter. The following week, they ask whether you want to attend an Easter brunch their church is throwing, then look confused when you remind them of your parents’ visit.
(Thought-focused) You-Statement: You’re so forgetful! Sometimes I think you might have ADHD or something.
(Emotion-focused) I-Statement: When you forget things I’ve told you, I feel hurt and forgotten.
7. You-Statements present opinions as facts, I-Statements leave room for multiple perspectives
Healthy relationships allow for both togetherness and separation. Difficulties arise when we fail to recognize and honor our sameness and differences. Such codependency is reflected in You-statements that present one partner’s opinion or need as Truth rather than leaving room for both parties to have different perspectives.
Imagine: You and your partner are on a long, strenuous hike. It’s a new trail for you, but not for your partner, who reassures you that they can guide the way. After taking a wrong turn and having to backtrack, your partner appears uncertain about how to reach the grand vista at the trail’s end.
(Opinion-presented-as-fact) You-Statement: You don’t know what you’re doing at all. We should just give up and turn around!
(Acknowledging-multiple-perspectives) I-Statement: I notice that I’m feeling frustrated and have the impulse to give up and turn around. I’m hungry and hot, which always makes me cranky. If you’re feeling more positive about getting to the top, I’d love to hear that so I can stay motivated!
TLDR: Use I-Statements instead of You-Statements for a happier, more harmonious relationship
If you want to improve your communication with your partner, I highly recommend adding I-statements --also known as I-messages – to your toolkit. I-statements encourage openness and ongoing dialogue, while you-statements incite anger and defensiveness.
At their most basic, I-statements communicate the speaker’s feelings and needs.
You-statements, in contrast, typically highlight the speaker’s evaluations of the listener’s thoughts and character. In other words, their projections and assumptions.
And you’ve heard the pithy saying about making assumptions, right?
Projection inspires protection. When we communicate our judgments using You-statements, our partners are more likely to go on the defense.
Use I-Statements to diffuse conflict and enhance mutual understanding.
As with anything, this tool takes time to master. I encourage you to share this article with your partner and start practicing with one another. And don’t worry if it feels a bit formulaic or awkward at first — that’s normal.
If you and your partner need support learning how to use I-Statements and improve your communication, find a skilled couples therapist. It’s possible to feel calm and connected even during conflict.
Ready to fall back in love with your partner? It’s possible. Apply now for a free 30-minute consultation. Our Care Coordinator will chat with you about your struggles and goals and match you with your best-fit relationship therapist.