Ben and Nina take a road trip to a nearby hot spring for their 1-year anniversary. As they wind along the redwood-studded highway toward their respite, they catch up with one another.
Ben falls quiet after mentioning a project at work. Knowing he hasn't been getting along with his boss recently, Nina asks, “Is something wrong?”
Ben shakes his head and falls silent again, his eyes fixed on the road.
Nina's anxiety rises.
Is it something I said? Why isn't he talking to me? He seems so tense – he didn't even look
at me when I asked him how he was.
Eventually, she explodes.
“Will you please tell me what's wrong? I hate it when you get like this.”
Taken aback by Nina's tone of frustration, Ben exclaims, “What's with you?”
Nina shoots back, “It's you -- you never tell me what's going on with you.”
Ben starts to feel like the car is ten times too small.
“Why are you being so emotional all of the sudden? I'm just thinking. Back off.”
Nina bursts into tears and Ben sits quietly, fuming. For the rest of the trip, they both wonder whether the vacation -- and their relationship -- was such a good idea after all.
The Avoidance-Pursuit Dance
Ben and Nina’s fight illustrate a common dynamic couples experience – the Avoidance-Pursuit dance. Couples who experience this dynamic often feel helpless to stop it. Thankfully, there are ways to interrupt it.
The first step in learning a new dance is to understand what causes the Avoidance-Pursuit dynamic.
It Takes Two to Tango
The Avoidance-Pursuit dance has two key players: the Avoider and the Pursuer.
The Avoider:
Fears engulfment/intimacy
Seeks space and autonomy
Rarely knows what they’re feeling
Minimizes the feelings of others and the importance of relationships
Severs connections to manage intimacy anxiety
Tends towards an avoidant attachment style
The Pursuer:
Fears abandonment
Seeks emotional/physical intimacy
May be manipulative or passive aggressive
People-pleases in order to maintain closeness
Tends towards an anxious attachment style
It is important to note that the above describes the Avoider and Pursuer during times of stress. Both types possess many positive qualities, including confidence and self-direction (the Avoider) and loyalty and generosity (the Pursuer).
The Dance Steps
In a typical Avoidance-Pursuit dance:
The Avoider seeks space
The Pursuer notices the Avoider pulling away and draws closer
The Avoider feels crowded and pulls away even more
Hurt by the Avoider's insensitivity, the Pursuer begins to distance
The Avoider realizes they are no longer being pursued and draws close to the Pursuer.
The Pursuer momentarily rejects the Avoider's attempts at closeness,
then draws close again
The Avoider feels crowded and seeks space
The dance begins again
Without intervention, this dance can repeat itself ad nauseam, leaving each partner hurt and resentful. Eventually, divorce or a break-up may ensue.
Dance Lessons
Thankfully, Avoiders and Pursuers can learn a healthier, more satisfying intimacy dance.
To do so, each partner must:
Become conscious of his or her part in the Avoidance-Pursuit dynamic
Get in touch with disowned fears of abandonment or dependency
Learn how to express his or her feelings and needs without blame or criticism
Unlearning these habitual ways of relating doesn’t happen overnight. It takes consistent attention and effort. But it’s absolutely possible.
If you and your partner need support to escape the Avoidance-Pursuit dance, find a skilled couples therapist. It’s possible to interrupt this dynamic before it spirals out of control and find mutually satisfying ways of relating.
Sources
Middelberg, Carol V. "Projective Identification in Common Couple Dances." Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Jul 2001.
Fox, Peter. "Criticize-Attack-Pursue & Placate-Defend-Withdraw Negative Interaction Cycle." 2010.