A surprising approach to overcoming social anxiety or dating anxiety
As a social anxiety and dating anxiety specialist, I am frequently sought out by shy individuals who feel insecure and want to build their self-confidence.
If you’re like many of my clients, you may equate your dating or social anxiety with a lack of self-esteem. You may also believe that you have to “get over” your anxiety and build confidence in order to develop the meaningful relationships you long for.
After providing social anxiety disorder treatment to hundreds, I humbly disagree
Unfortunately, the belief that overcoming anxiety requires confidence stops many shy introverts from building the relationships they desire and deserve. Here’s why:
It’s normal to feel fear when doing something new or challenging such as getting to know someone new. (Even people who don’t have social anxiety or dating anxiety feel nervous in new social situations!)
If you wait until you feel confident, you could (read: probably will) be waiting forever.
Often confidence and self-esteem increase after taking risks. Not before.
In other words, taking the risk to connect with others even while feeling anxious builds confidence, not the other way around.
That’s why I recommend cultivating courage — not confidence — when overcoming social anxiety.
Why effective dating anxiety or social anxiety therapy emphasizes courage over confidence
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~Nelson Mandela
Courage can be defined as “the ability to do something that frightens one” or “strength in the face of pain or grief.”
A courage-oriented approach to overcoming dating anxiety and social anxiety includes engaging in anxiety-provoking situations in small and tolerable doses, then using calming techniques to soothe ourselves.
This approach teaches your central nervous system (CNS) how to stay calm and regulate more quickly in fear-inducing situations.
For example, let’s say you feel extremely self-conscious in groups — you clam up, can’t think clearly, and sweat profusely. In this instance, cultivating courage would mean choosing to take a small risk in a group setting in spite of feeling anxious.
Perhaps you choose to ask a question in a work meeting, which raises your fear temperature to a 5 out of 10. Afterward, you use mindfulness meditation, journaling, and social anxiety therapy to calm yourself.
At the next work meeting, you find that asking a question again spikes your anxiety, but this time to only a 3/10. You repeat this process at each work meeting until one day you find yourself speaking up at a work meeting with minimal discomfort.
By taking manageable risks, we progressively expand our comfort zone by teaching the CNS that it’s safe and rewarding to open ourselves up to others. In time, our comfort zone expands and we find ourselves willing and able to take bigger risks and in turn build more meaningful connections.
When overcoming dating anxiety or social anxiety, it’s important to both challenge and soothe yourself
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is avoidance. In social anxiety, this can include declining invitations to parties, making excuses to get out of public speaking, avoiding dating entirely, and more.
And if you’re like many shy folx, you may periodically force yourself to face your fears. Realizing that you’re not doing yourself a favor by avoiding social situations, you push yourself to strike up conversations with strangers, speak to your intimidating boss, or join a group.
Unfortunately, your strategy backfires. It’s just too big a leap and anxiety gets the best of you. You end up feeling worse than before and return to avoiding people. “Why try, I’m hopeless!”
Vacillating between avoidance and unbridled exposure sets up a vicious cycle, increasing sensitization, shame, and self-criticism while decreasing confidence, skill, and the willingness to try again.
So, please remember that to overcome social anxiety or dating anxiety, we must balance challenge with soothing.
Work with a social anxiety expert or dating therapist to find that balance, one that strategically and progressively introduces stressors along with calming practices. Effective dating anxiety and social anxiety disorder treatment will challenge you enough but not too much.
As with most things in life, moderation is key to cultivating courage and building the relationships you desire.
Looking for help overcoming social anxiety or dating anxiety? We help socially anxious professionals, sensitive introverts, and shy singles in the Bay Area and across CA find confidence and calm. Get started today.