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Fighting with a romantic partner can be one of life’s most significant stressors.
During conflict, it can feel like your best friend and life partner suddenly becomes the enemy. You disconnect and lash out in ways that seem alien in contrast to your happier moments. Many couples leave their fights feeling sad, alone, and confused – how did we get here?
Difficulties resolving conflict is the number one reason couples contact me about relationship therapy.
Here’s a potentially uncomfortable truth – fighting is a natural part of being in a relationship. World-renowned researcher John Gottman found that 69% of issues couples face are “perpetual problems,” i.e., inherently unsolvable conflicts.
Examples of perpetual problems include:
Your extroverted partner feels nourished by going out on weeknights, while your sweet introverted self feels happiest decompressing on the couch with a book.
You want to raise your kids vegetarian, and your partner feels strongly about following a Paleo diet.
You’re a spender, and your partner is a saver.
“Perpetual problems aren’t inherently damaging to relationships”
Though par for the course, perpetual problems aren’t inherently damaging to relationships. Instead, conflict that couples struggle to discuss in a loving, practical way – called gridlocked perpetual problems – leads to emotional disengagement and the dissolution of previously blissful unions.
In other words, while conflict is inevitable, happy couples learn to fight fairly. These Relationship Masters maintain a tone of love and respect even when angry or seeing things differently.
So how, exactly, do they do that?
How do you fight effectively in a relationship?
Navigated with care and compassion, conflict can bring you and your partner closer. Let's explore how you can turn your tiffs into triumphs.
1. Craft your love laws
Imagine your relationship as a tiny nation. What laws would govern its happy citizens (i.e., you and your boo)? Such shared agreements, or love laws, can act as guiding principles for your interactions.
By crafting your governance principles, you and your partner will have a road map for navigating intimacy with fairness, justice, and kindness. In other words, you’ll set yourselves up to fight fair and resolve conflict effectively.
Here are some examples of love laws you might adopt:
We pledge to support each other's healing and growth in our tiny love nation.
Our relationship is a safe haven. We commit to treating one another kindly – even when at odds.
No threat to the relationship shall be made, especially in the heat of an argument.
We commit to using our relationship to heal wounds, grow, and thrive.
We choose connection with one another over proving a point or being right.
You might draft a relationship constitution like Stan Tatkins’ Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship.
If you’re thinking, relationship laws – really, Jessica? That sounds like the least romantic, most stuffy thing ever, I get it.
Writing out agreements may feel anti-romantic, but I can guarantee that explosive fights dampen intimacy quickly, especially when they’re entirely unnecessary.
A bit of conversation about how you and your partner want to relate can stop minor misunderstandings from becoming significant fires.
2. Commit to being friends, not foes
When you feel safe and connected, it’s easy to see your partner as an ally, right?
Yet, you quickly shift from friends to foes when fighting – yes?
Uh-huh, yup. Welcome to the club. 😉
In other words, you’re normal – all human brains tend toward both love and war.
Like anyone, your negativity bias prompts you to continually scan for subtle signs of threat in your partner’s facial expression, tone of voice, etc.
And I’m talking real, real subtle. Like, you looked at me kind of funny just then, and why did you pause before saying I love you back? subtle.
While your tendency to overestimate threats in your partnership might be annoying sometimes, simply acknowledging it can make conflict resolution much easier.
Commit to seeing your partner as your teammate, not your opponent, especially when fighting.
I recommend including something like the following in your love laws:
We want the best for one another; we look for a win-win solution when we see things differently.
We are allies and lovers, not opponents. We face conflict as friends, not foes.
Along these lines, remind yourself regularly that your partner’s needs and perspective are valid.
Keep telling yourself this isn't a courtroom drama; there are no winners or losers here. We're a team, not opponents. You're aiming for a win-win resolution, not a victory parade for one.
3. Build Your Conflict Resolution Toolkit
Let's stock up your relationship toolkit with some handy tools for managing conflict:
I-Statements: Use I-Statements rather than You-statements to express your feelings without putting your partner on the defense. Remember, I feel hurt when you finish the ice cream without asking sounds much better than you're a selfish ice cream gobbler!
Couples Dialogue: This structured communication tool will help you and your partner slow down and hear one another when feelings run high. Take turns actively listening, reflecting, validating, and empathizing with one another. I recommend practicing this (and all of the tips in this article) when you’re calm; surprisingly, it’s hard to use new skills during a conflict. 🙃
Four Horsemen: The Antidotes: John Gottman found that Relationship Disasters – contentious couples who typically break up – tend to communicate in four similarly problematic ways, called the Four Horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. To be a Relationship Master, use the antidotes to the Horsemen; use your I-statements; share appreciations; accept responsibility; and actively listen.
4. Set fair fighting rules
Setting rules for disagreements can help you and your partner keep things respectful and on point.
Fair fighting rules ensure that your arguments remain centered around the current issue and enhance rather than destroy your hard-earned trust and safety.
What are fair fighting rules?
Fair fighting rules for couples are guidelines that encourage mutual respect, understanding, and resolution during conflicts.
Examples of fair fighting rules for relationships
Fair fighting rules include directives like:
Discuss one issue at a time: Stick with the disagreement that kicked off the current conflict until it’s resolved. Don’t move on to other topics until both of you feel the original argument has been sufficiently addressed. Don't distract from the issue at hand by bringing up past issues.
Never use degrading language: Prioritize respect. That means no name-calling, no belittling, and certainly no poking at sore spots. Remember, the goal is to navigate the disagreement, not unleash World War III in your living room.
Use I-Statements: Yup, I’ve mentioned this two other times in this article — does that give you a sense of how important this skill is? Using I-statements instead of You-statements is like offering your partner an understanding hand rather than a pointed finger. For example, say, I feel frustrated and hurt when you don’t do your fair share of chores, instead of, you never help with the chores!
Listen Actively: You know those fights where it seems like your partner’s waiting to talk rather than *actually* listening? Ok, bad news – you do that, too, sometimes. Take a deep breath, switch off that mental chatter, and tune into your partner's words. Show them you’re listening by nodding, leaning in, and paraphrasing. Active listening is like holding up a sign that says, "I'm here. I'm with you. I care about what you're saying."
Be Specific: Instead of making sweeping declarations like, you're always late, share your feelings about specific instances. For example, I felt stressed and embarrassed when you arrived an hour late to my cousin’s wedding. Avoid painting a picture where your partner is always at fault, which will likely push them to correct your all-or-nothing perspective defensively rather than offering you the compassion you need.
Don’t stonewall: Stay in the conversation, no matter how tough it gets. Resist the urge to withdraw or put up a wall, physically or emotionally. You're a team, remember? And teams stick together through thick and thin. That said:
Take breaks if needed: It’s ok to pause the conversation if you’re too dysregulated to have a productive discussion. Taking a timeout is not the same thing as stonewalling or running away. Taking 20-30 minutes to do something distracting (read: do NOT spend your break stewing about the fight) will let your nervous system downshift into a calmer state. Just make sure you and your partner agree on when you’ll reunite to resolve the conflict.
Apologize: Don’t hesitate to say you’re sorry when you’re wrong. If you realize you’re off the mark, say so, including instances when your intentions were good, but your actions negatively impacted your Beloved. Relationship Masters quickly apologize, even if they don’t see eye to eye with their partner.
Don’t make threats: In heated moments, avoid using phrases like well, maybe we should break up! Remember, your relationship should never be a bargaining chip. Threatening the relationship is like adding gasoline to the raging fire of your unresolved conflict. If you’re feeling profoundly unheard or insecure (the usual suspects when people start to threaten their relationship), take a break, use the Couples Dialogue, or share how desperate you feel in the form of an I-Statement.
Seek to Understand First: While getting your point across at all costs can be tempting, seek to understand your partner's viewpoint first. Once you’ve validated and empathized with them, your partner will be much better able to hear you out.
Aim for Peace, Not Victory: Remember, though you and your partner will start to see one another as opponents at times, your relationship is not a battlefield. You are friends, not foes. So aim for resolution, not victory. The goal is to resolve the issue rather than to win the argument.
“Aim for resolution, not victory. The goal is to resolve the issue rather than to win the argument. ”
Tailor your fair fighting rules to fit your relationship
Remember, these rules are not set in stone but rather guidelines that can be adapted to fit the unique dynamics of your relationship.
I recommend discussing these with your partner to ensure you’re on the same page and tailor the rules to fit you. Everyone needs something a little different.
For example, some people can’t handle raised voices due to growing up in a conflict-avoidant household. In contrast, others feel much more comfortable with a bit of yelling because they grew up in an emotionally expressive family.
And again, a friendly reminder – discuss your fair fighting rules with your partner when you’re calm, not in the middle of a fight.
Effective communication is a skill that you can hone over time. By applying these rules, you can navigate conflicts more productively.
TLDR
All’s fair in love and war, right? If you have the proper conflict resolution tools and fair fighting rules, yes! If not, your relationship may turn into a hostile standoff.
69% of the conflicts couples experience are "perpetual problems," according to Relationship maestro John Gottman. So, the key is to navigate arguments effectively to prevent emotional disengagement.
To fight fairly in a relationship:
Craft your love laws: Picture your relationship as your personal, tiny, adorable little Love Kingdom. Every kingdom needs laws, right? In the case of your relationship, I'm talking about mutual agreements that will guide how you and your partner relate to each other. These 'love laws' look like vows to support each other's growth, to maintain a softness even during heated debates, and to choose connection over the satisfaction of being right.
Commit to being friends, not foes: Even during conflicts, seeing your partner as an ally and not an opponent is essential. Even in the throes of disagreement, make it your mission to find win-win solutions and appreciate each other's viewpoints. Remember, you’re teammates, not foes!
Build your Conflict Resolution Toolkit: Arm yourself with tools to express, communicate, and empathize. Use 'I-Statements' to share how you feel without pointing fingers. Practice the 'Couples Dialogue' to actively listen and understand each other. And remember Gottman’s 'Four Horsemen Antidotes' to sidestep those communication landmines.
Set fair fighting rules: Set some ground rules to make your disagreements productive rather than destructive. These include tackling one issue at a time, avoiding hurtful language, and being specific about your concerns. Remember, no shutting down or making threats. And it's okay to take timeouts. Seek to understand first and strive for resolution, not victory.
Keep in mind these aren't rigid rules but flexible guidelines. You can tailor them to fit your unique relationship. Remember to chat about these tools and rules when you and your partner are relaxed, not heated.
Fighting too much with your partner? We can help you and your partner get back on the same page again! Apply for a FREE 30-minute consultation; you’ll chat with our Care Coordinator about your relationship struggles and get matched with your best-fit relationship therapist.