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It’s Friday, aka date night! You just returned from a 10-day business trip. You and your Sweetie gleefully snuggle up on the couch, ready for some much-awaited quality time.
Gazing into one another’s eyes, you catch up on the week's happenings. They say they missed you but managed to fill their time with friend dates and a pressing work deadline.
You share highlights from your tiring-yet-exciting trip, including the big news – you were invited to speak at a national conference next month!!
Your partner suddenly seems tense.
Everything ok, Babe? You ask.
They’re quiet momentarily, then say, I’m excited for you! Really, this is so great. I just…I don’t love it when you travel a lot. And now it sounds like you’ll be in Austin for half of October. You just came back. I feel like I never get to see you.
I’m here now, you say. And we can Facetime every night when I’m gone. I know it’s hard, but this will be so good for my career!
They get quiet again and seem to be emitting fury vibes.
You seem upset, you say. Maybe I should give you some space.
SURE, they say loudly as you get up and head towards the door. I don’t need this right now. You know, you really know how to make me feel unimportant sometimes!
You feel confused, hurt, and sad. This is not the reunion you’d hoped for.
You sigh and think, What just happened? Why does my partner get so upset sometimes?
Sound familiar? Then you might also wonder:
Why does my partner need constant reassurance?
Why does a simple, offhand comment sometimes trigger a chain reaction of anxieties?
Is it me, or is there something deeper at play in their reactions?
If this sounds familiar, you might be dating someone with an anxious attachment style. Your partner may struggle to feel secure in your relationship, leading to disconnection, fights, and distress.
“It’s 100% possible to have a happy, joyful relationship with an anxiously attached partner.”
But have no fear, Dear Reader – it’s 100% possible to have a happy, joyful relationship with an anxiously attached partner. Let’s explore how you can understand and soothe your partner when their attachment wounds get triggered.
In this article, we will talk about:
How anxious attachment develops.
What your anxiously attached partner experiences when they’re triggered.
What anxiously attached people need.
What tends to trigger anxiously attached folx.
Six ways to help an anxiously attached partner.
Understanding Anxious Attachment
Let’s start by getting acquainted with the third party keeping you and your partner at odds: Anxious Attachment.
Imagine, if you will, a lovely human we’ll call Philena.
Our friend Phil feels deeply, loves passionately, and overthinks like it’s her job, especially about her relationships.
Phil often worries she isn’t loved. Abandonment terrifies her, so much so that she immediately assumes she’s about to be left if her partner seems even a smidge less connected.
Phil generally needs more reassurance from her partner than the average Jane, though she does her best to hide that fact. She sometimes suspects she’s “too much” and tries to put on a front of confidence to avoid “scaring” others away.
Unfortunately, stuffing her chronic fears of rejection is tiring and unsustainable. Phil periodically explodes from the built-up pressure of their unspoken fears and resentments. This only confuses her partner and creates the very thing Phil was trying to avoid – withdrawal and disconnection.
Phil is, in essence, our anxiously attached individual.
Background and Early Life Experiences Leading to This Attachment Style
Before you label Phil "needy" or "clinging," let’s look at her early childhood experiences to understand her anxious reactions.
Picture a toddler-aged Philena napping in a onesie that says, “Snuggle this Muggle.” Pretty dang, cute, right?
Yet when lil Phil cries out, her dad doesn’t come to comfort her for an extended period. Not because Dad doesn’t think Phil’s the cutest, but because Dad struggles with depression; unfortunately, he fails to hear Phil’s cries in his most internally preoccupied moments. When he finally hears Phil’s call for comfort, Dad’s internal dysregulation makes it hard for him to soothe Phil effectively.
As a result, Phil learns that while their caregivers are there sometimes, they cannot provide consistent care. She also discovers that she’s most likely to get a response from her depressed dad when she screams loudly. This sets her nervous system up to opt for high emotionality, clinging, and “loud” emotional responses whenever someone she loves seems distant.
In other words, early relationships leave a lasting imprint. As in the case of Philemena, children who didn’t have consistent emotional comfort grow up to be anxiously attached adults who fear and expect abandonment.
The Role of Early Life Experiences in Shaping Anxious Attachment Triggers
Understanding anxious attachment triggers is crucial to building a better relationship with your partner. So, what triggers someone with anxious attachment?
Like Phil, most anxiously attached folks respond to adult relationships according to the conclusions they drew early in their formative relationships. They assume their needs won’t be met thanks to early experiences of inconsistent care.
If young Phil felt ignored when a new sibling arrived, adult Phil might feel a twinge when you spend too much time with a new friend. If child Phil felt anxiety whenever her primary caregiver left the room, adult Phil might struggle when you go on a business trip.
Considering an anxiously attached person’s background, they’re not "overreacting." when triggered. In actuality, they’re reacting in a very understandable, right-sized way to past difficulties.
Situations and actions that typically trigger anxiously attached individuals include:
Ambiguity in a relationship's status.
Feeling sidelined in their partner's priorities.
Silence or extended periods without communication.
Spotting patterns that remind them of past betrayals or abandonment.
Here’s the good news – understanding that anxious attachment flares are simply echoes from the past is the first step to soothing your partner.
By responding to your partner’s anxious attachment triggers with compassion and understanding, you'll help them heal their attachment wounds and strengthen your relationship.
What Anxiously Attached Individuals Need
Okay, so what do anxiously attached individuals need to feel secure and loved?"
Those with an anxious attachment style yearn for:
Consistency: Predictability and reliability in a relationship.
Understanding: Someone who gets and patiently responds to their deepest fears.
Reassurance: Regular, authentic affirmations that they are desired and valued – and that you’re not going anywhere!
Affection: actions that communicate care, such as a hug or saying I love you.
More than anything, anxiously attached partners want to know they are safe, cherished, and connected to their partner. You can communicate this with words (I love you! I’m not going anywhere!) and actions such as giving a hug, sending an affectionate text, or listening attentively. Meaningful, reassuring actions combined with genuine words of love and affirmation will go a long way to helping your Beloved feel secure.
On that note, let’s dive deeper into my top tips for soothing your anxiously attached partner.
Tips for Supporting and Soothing An Anxiously Attached Partner
Tip #1 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: Express affection
Your anxiously attached partner’s early experiences set them up to project rejection in ambiguous situations. For that reason, you can help them feel secure by clearly and frequently expressing affection.
To soothe your anxiously attached partner, express care and appreciation explicitly and implicitly. In other words, show affection using words and actions.
Verbal affection can include:
Compliments such as You’re so beautiful! and I’m so lucky you’re my Boo.
Attachment-oriented statements such as I love you, I'm here for you, and I’m not going anywhere!
These words of affirmation can reassure your partner that your bond is secure and help regulate your partner's nervous system.
In addition, express your feelings of affection through meaningful actions. Small gestures such as a gentle touch, a loving gaze, or listening intently can help your partner feel more secure.
Remember, your actions must align with your words. Anxiously attached folx have a finely-tuned radar for mixed motives, as their past attachment figures sent them mixed messages. Say what you mean and follow through on promises to foster a secure environment for your partner.
Tip #2 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: Treat them with tenderness and understanding
Understanding the mindset of an anxious attachment style is vital to nurturing a loving relationship with your partner.
Whenever your anxiously attached partner becomes triggered, remember – they are likely responding to something painful they experienced in the past. Their attachment style is an adaptive response to inconsistent care from loved ones, especially in early childhood relationships.
In other words, they came by their fears of abandonment honestly! Understanding this can help you approach your partner with more empathy and patience.
Because of their background, treating your partner with tenderness and compassion is crucial.
Do your best not to rationalize or intellectualize their feelings when their anxiety surfaces. Instead, offer care, gentleness, and understanding, the kind you might extend to a young child.
Your kindness can help correct some of their early experiences, providing a sense of security and easing their anxiety.
Tip #3 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: See anxious attachment flares as an opportunity to heal
When your partner's anxious attachment tendencies surface, view it as a plea for healing rather than a hurdle in your relationship.
Anxious attachment, while challenging, serves as a neon sign pointing the way to growth. When your partner gets triggered, instead of thinking, Ugh, not again! try, Okay, this is hard AND I know it’s happening for a good reason. May we use this trigger to heal and deepen our intimacy.
That said, rest assured that it’s normal to feel frustrated when your partner’s wounding causes moments of disconnection and conflict.
Remember to turn towards yourself with kindness when you struggle to radically accept your partner’s attachment style. Self-compassion is the first step towards accepting and acknowledging your partner’s attachment struggles.
Tip #4 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: Establish rituals for reunions and departures
Because anxiously attached individuals harbor fears of being left, moments of transition are especially fraught.
Think about an anxiously attached child being dropped off at school. Because they fear their caregiver won’t return, they may cry and cling upon departure and reunion and be difficult to soothe.
For that reason, establishing simple rituals for reunions and departures is essential to addressing your partner’s fears and providing a sense of reassurance.
Such rituals can include:
A special greeting when you come home.
A warm hug or a kiss before parting ways.
Saying I'll miss you when one of you leaves.
Eye gazing before bed or upon waking.
Such simple gestures can go a long way in fostering a sense of connection. You may be pleasantly surprised by how powerful such rituals can be when comforting your partner.
Engaging intentionally in moments of transition will reassure them (and their anxious inner child) that you value their presence and look forward to reuniting with them.
Tip #5 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: Take responsibility and avoid defensiveness
In any relationship, misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable. This is especially true if one or both of you have an insecure attachment style, which tends to make relationship ruptures more common – and more painful.
If and when conflict occurs, taking responsibility for your actions is crucial, particularly if they have caused distress to your partner. This is especially critical for your anxiously attached partner, who likely didn’t receive the amends they needed to feel safe in past relationships.
Avoiding defensiveness is equally essential. Instead of justifying your actions, acknowledge their impact on your partner. This can make your partner feel heard and understood, helping to rebuild closeness.
Remember, an honest apology can help repair ruptures in your relationship. Be willing to take responsibility for the impact of your actions, even if your intention was good.
Tip #6 for soothing an anxiously attached partner: Approach, don't withdraw
Anxiously attached individuals may sometimes express anger, resistance, or criticism if they sense their partner withdrawing.
Counterintuitively, this defense mechanism signifies a yearning for closeness and reassurance.
For example, let’s return to the date night scenario. Remember, your hypothetical partner became angry and critical after learning you were leaving again soon for another extended business trip.
Stan Tatkin explains that anxiously attached folx develop an “allergy to hope” after repeated experiences of reaching out for closeness only to be painfully disappointed.
Attachment researchers sometimes call the anxious attachment style the “angry-resistant style.” Which makes sense – I don’t know about you, but I certainly default to disgruntled resistance when I feel helpless.
Anger and criticism in the face of what seems like yet another abandonment is an understandable response. Not necessarily a pleasant one, but an understandable one.
While you may be tempted to withdraw when your partner becomes angry or critical, draw them closer instead. Approach your partner with love, understanding, and a willingness to address the underlying issues.
In the date night scenario, instead of leaving, you might pull your partner close, kiss their forehead, and with a soft voice, say, Hey, Sweetie, it makes perfect sense to me that it would feel hard to be apart. I don’t like it either. I love you so much and miss you terribly when we’re separated. Let’s find a way to make this next trip workable for both of us. Will you tell me all about how you’re feeling and what I can do on my trip to remind you that I’m absolutely crazy about you?
Of course, leaning in will likely feel counterintuitive when your partner is shooting rage daggers from their eyes. It’s okay if doing so doesn’t come naturally at first – with time and patience, you’ll automatically draw closer when your partner gets critical or angry. Doing so will reduce the frequency and duration of their triggers, enabling you two to enjoy longer and more joyful periods of connection.
Conclusion
If your partner struggles to feel secure in your relationship, they may have an anxious attachment style. Their strong emotional reactions and lack of trust may confuse and frustrate you.
You may even wonder, Is it bad to date someone with an anxious attachment style?
Far from it! Many anxiously attached people make excellent partners, as they value closeness highly and tend to invest themselves fully in their relationships.
Rest assured, there are ways to help your partner with their anxious attachment style and build a healthy, loving relationship. Here’s what you need to know:
Understanding Anxious Attachment: Recognize that anxiously attached individuals are deeply affected by their early life experiences. In the past, they likely received inconsistent care, shaping their fear of abandonment and need for reassurance in their relationships.
Common Anxious Attachment Triggers: Be aware that ambiguities in relationship status, feeling sidelined, or patterns reminiscent of past betrayals can trigger anxiety flares in your partner.
Needs of Anxiously Attached Individuals: Understand that they crave consistency, understanding, reassurance, and affection in a relationship. They yearn to feel safe and cherished, needing affirmations through actions and words.
Strategies for Support:
Express affection: Through actions and heartfelt words, convey your love and appreciation to help them feel secure.
Show tenderness and understanding: Treat them with empathy and kindness; offer comfort and understanding and refrain from rationalizing.
Radically accept their attachment style: Reframe their anxiety flares as opportunities to heal and strengthen your bond.
Establish rituals: Create rituals for departures and reunions to give them a sense of security and connection.
Avoid defensiveness: Take responsibility during conflicts and avoid defensive responses to help them feel heard and understood.
Approach, don’t withdraw: When they seem angry or critical, approach them with love and a willingness to address the underlying issues, fostering closeness instead of distancing.
Ready to build a happy, secure relationship? Get help from an attachment-oriented psychotherapist. Apply for a free 30-minute consultation with our Care Coordinator, who will listen closely to your relationship struggles and goals and match you with your best-fit clinician.