Real talk – our society has terrible boundaries with pregnant people.
Despite best intentions, many people unknowingly make pregnant people feel more like communal property than human beings. You needn’t scratch the internet’s surface much to find countless stories of pregnant people who’ve been touched without consent, given unsolicited advice, and patronized.
Not sure what I’m talking about? Try imagining the following:
Imagine that you’re ordering a drink at your favorite cafe. When you give your order – a tall vanilla latte – your barista says, Oh honey, don’t you know caffeine isn’t good for the baby?
Next, imagine you get together with a good friend for a long-awaited reunion only to have them greet you by saying, Wow, I can’t believe how BIG you’ve gotten – you’re HUGE!
Or imagine that a coworker corners you in the kitchen, asking specific, intrusive questions about your upcoming medical procedure. Not intuiting your discomfort, she shares in gory detail how traumatized she was by the same procedure a few years ago.
My guess is you would be horrified if any of the above happened! Yet, these are commonplace experiences for pregnant people.
(For a fabulously funny take on this phenomenon, read this list of things pregnant women don’t want to hear).
Many pregnant humans report a distressing uptick in objectifying experiences as soon as word gets out about their baby-to-be. In some cases, uttering the words I’m pregnant instantaneously transforms them into a dumping ground for others’ unprocessed pregnancy experiences and birth traumas, body image issues, unexamined beliefs about gender, and unwanted advice.
These frustrating, non-consensual interactions may prompt pregnant people to withdraw and isolate at a time when they arguably need more connection and support.
Of course, most people don’t intend to hurt pregnant people by acting in these unconscious ways – quite the opposite! They’re excited to connect with and support the pregnant person but only have the faulty scripts provided by our silly, sexist society.
That’s where this article comes in! I’m here to help you learn how to avoid being an unintentional jerk to pregnant people.
May the following do’s and don’ts help you forge stronger relationships with those pregnant humans rather than gunk up your connection with unaddressed resentments.
If you have already done some of the following don’ts or if you slip up sometime in the future, please be gentle with yourself. Remember, you needn’t be perfect; you can always apologize and change your behavior going forward. Any amends you offer will likely be profoundly healing for the pregnant people in your life.
How to Be A Safe Space For Pregnant People
DON’T give unsolicited advice
Examples
You know what’s great for morning sickness? Saltine crackers.
You really should breastfeed. It’s the best thing for Baby.
Are you taking folate? It’s SO important.
What to DO instead
Ask, How are you feeling today?
Listen actively.
Only advise if asked OR after obtaining consent.
Here’s why
Unsolicited advice is obnoxious.
You’re not their doctor.
Unfortunately, those navigating pregnancy and the medical system experience a reduction in bodily autonomy. Don’t give them yet another experience of being told what to do with their body.
DON’T make comments about how HARD pregnancy, birth, or parenting are going to be
Examples
Get ready to never sleep again!
You’re going to have your hands FULL!
Enjoy going out to eat, you won’t be doing that again for a few years!
What to DO instead
Offer encouraging words instead, such as:
That baby is so lucky to have you as a parent!
I think you’re going to LOVE being a parent!
Volunteer to help lighten their load, e.g., offering childcare after Baby arrives.
Here’s why
Having kids is exhausting, expensive, and draining is a very, very loud message in our society.
More than likely, they’ve chosen to be a parent. Reminding them of downsides is unnecessary and could exacerbate their anxieties.
You’ll seem like a Debbie Downer. Don’t yuck their yum!
DON’T comment on their changing body size and shape OR detail your pregnancy-related body changes
Examples
You’re so tiny!
Wow, you’re getting HUGE!
I gained 80 lbs when I was pregnant, and I’m still struggling to lose it.
I felt like a COW when I was pregnant!
What to DO instead
Say, I know pregnancy is a lot of change all at once. How are you feeling about the transformations you’re experiencing?
Listen actively.
Withhold stories about your pregnancy-related body changes until they are requested or you’ve obtained consent to share.
Opt for the Body Liberation practice of not commenting on others’ bodies.
Speak with a third party about your pregnancy-related body image struggles instead of the pregnant person.
Here’s why
Eating disorders and body image issues are pervasive, especially for people who were assigned female at birth and socialized as women.
You will run the risk of triggering a pregnant person’s body, food, and exercise struggles if you perpetuate fat talk, body shaming, and diet culture.
At their most extreme, eating disorders can be deadly.
DON’T ask specific questions about their pregnancy, birth, or parenting plans
Examples
Are you having a natural birth?
Are you going to breastfeed?
Are you going to hire a nanny or send them to daycare?
What to DO instead
Ask, What’s on your mind and heart lately?
Say, I understand pregnancy can be overwhelming. I’m here if you need to talk about anything!
Ask how their pregnancy is going. General, open-ended questions will allow them to choose their level of self-disclosure.
Listen actively.
Here’s why
Pregnancy comes with countless decisions. And first-time parents have to decide about issues they’ve never considered before. Your questions may add to their understandable overwhelm.
Your questions may reveal your own biases. They may stress that you’ll judge their choices or give unsolicited advice.
You may come across as intrusive. No one wants to be interrogated about private, health-related decisions.
DON’T share unsolicited stories about your pregnancy or birth
Examples
I hated being pregnant. I threw up several times a day during all three of my pregnancies.
Oh, I hope you don’t have an emergency C-section like me – it was terrifying!
I’m still processing my 3-year-old’s birth. It was so traumatic and nothing like I’d hoped for.
What to DO instead
Ask, How are you feeling today?
Ask, What’s on your mind and heart lately?
Listen actively.
Withhold your pregnancy and birth stories until asked OR given consent to share.
Here’s why
Your pregnant friend is focused on their pregnancy and future birth experience, which will differ from yours.
While sharing your stories may seem fun or helpful, it could burden them with additional processing, emotional labor, and anxiety.
Many pregnancies and birth stories are traumatic. Support the pregnant person’s mental health by protecting them from vicarious trauma.
DON’T touch their body (including their belly) without consent
Examples
Touching them without invitation or consent.
Reaching out to touch their belly when they mention the baby’s moving.
What to DO instead
Only touch them if they’ve invited you to do so OR after they’ve given consent.
Help them feel safe and respected; that’s the best way to create a relationship where they invite touch.
Here’s why
It’s 2024, y’all – nonconsensual touch is not cool.
81% of women report experiencing some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime.
While no one should have to sustain nonconsensual touch, it can be incredibly triggering for survivors of assault.
DON’T comment on their food, self-care, or birth choices
Examples
Are you sure you should be eating that?
Don't you think the baby would be better off if you XYZ?
What to DO instead
Say, I have so much respect and admiration for you!
Say, Your Baby is so lucky to have you as a parent!
Only provide your opinion if asked OR after obtaining consent to share.
If you feel worried about the pregnant person or their baby, take your concerns to a third party.
Here’s why
Pregnancy is inherently vulnerable. The last thing a pregnant person needs is criticism or uninvited influence.
Chances are, they’ve carefully considered their choices and regularly consult skilled healthcare providers.
DON’T assume the pregnant person identifies as a mother OR inquire about the baby’s sex or gender
Examples
Hey mama-to-be!
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
What are you having?
When’s the gender reveal party???
What to DO instead
Ask them what terms and pronouns you should use when referring to the pregnant person and their baby.
Educate yourself about Gender Creative Parenting by reading this article or watching this video.
Ask, What are your hopes and dreams for Baby?
Listen actively.
Wait for the pregnant person to share about their baby’s sex should they so desire.
Here’s why
Not all birthing parents identify as women and mothers.
Even if the parent knows their kiddo's sex chromosomes, they won’t know their gender until the child is old enough to understand and communicate how they identify.
Some parents are waiting to be surprised about their child’s sex (or simply don’t want to talk about their child’s genitals!).
TLDR
When talking to a pregnant person, avoid unsolicited advice, negative comments, intrusive questions, and sharing personal stories without consent. Respect their bodily autonomy, avoid commenting on their body, food choices, or parenting decisions, and refrain from assuming their gender identity or the baby's gender. Instead, offer support, ask open-ended questions, and listen actively to their needs and preferences.