Dear Listener, has your relationship been rocked by a betrayal? Maybe you discovered your partner was hiding something—an affair, a secret account, or a series of trust-breaking half-truths. Or maybe you're the one who kept the secret, and now you're wondering if there's any way to heal your relationship.
This is the second episode in our Managing Thirds series, and we're tackling one of the most painful examples of a mismanaged third: betrayal. We're joined by Relationship Center therapist Shae Burnette, AMFT, who specializes in recovery from betrayal trauma. In this conversation, Shae walks us through how couples can actually heal after infidelity or other major breaches of trust, and even build a stronger relationship as a result.
Shae explains that betrayal isn't just about affairs – breaches of trust can result from withholding information that, if known, would have changed everything. This can include hidden addictions, covert spending, or omitting a quiet, inconvenient truth, like realizing you don’t want kids after all. What all betrayals have in common: one partner kept a secret, and now the other partner's sense of reality has been shattered.
We walk through the phases of healing—from addressing the betrayed partner's trauma and rebuilding trust, to renegotiating the agreements of the relationship so this doesn't happen again. You'll learn what the secret-keeping partner needs to do to regain trust (hint: it's more than just apologizing), how the betrayed partner can set boundaries after infidelity without becoming punitive, and why rushing through recovery almost always backfires.
If you're navigating betrayal trauma recovery and wondering whether your relationship can survive—or even become stronger—this episode offers a clear, compassionate path forward.
Key Takeaways
0:00 Intro
02:01 Managing Thirds: Recap
03:11 What is betrayal?
07:22 Phase One: Rebuilding Trust
29:14 Phase Two: Agreements
43:51 Phase Three: Maintenance
Resources and links
Ep. 37 - A Common Reason Relationships Fail: Managing Thirds (Part 1 of 4)
The Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship by Stan Tatkin (blog post)