Dear Listener, have you ever felt like you're competing with your partner's job, phone, friends, or hobbies for their attention? Or maybe you've been on the other side—accused of not prioritizing your partner when you didn't even realize you were doing it? Whether you're in a long-term relationship or just starting to date someone new, this episode is for you. (Singles: stick around until the end for dating-specific tips on managing thirds from day one.)
In this episode, we dive into one of the most common causes of relationship problems: mismanaged thirds. "Thirds" is a concept from Stan Tatkin that refers to anything outside the couple—people, things, or activities—that can leave one or both partners feeling neglected or sidelined. When thirds aren't managed well, the couple bubble gets compromised, and the relationship suffers.
We explore why thirds threaten your sense of safety and security, the signs of relationship trouble to watch for (hint: it's not always about the thing you're fighting about), and how to protect your relationship by setting boundaries that actually work. Spoiler: the answer isn't "stop doing the thing" or "stop caring"—it's something more nuanced that leaves neither partner feeling like they've lost.
This is the first episode in a four-part series on managing thirds—stay tuned for deep dives on healing from betrayal, navigating in-laws, and ethical non-monogamy.
Key Takeaways
00:00 Intro
01:53 What are "thirds"—and why do they threaten your relationship?
21:09 How do you protect your relationship from mismanaged thirds?
31:26 Managing thirds in early dating
Resources and links
Your Brain on Love by Stan Tatkin (audiobook)
The Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship by Stan Tatkin (blog post)
Ep. 20 - Understanding Jealousy, Compersion & Attachment in Relationships (podcast episode)