Do your relationships tend to develop at a romantic comedy pace, only to get messy fast and fall apart dramatically? If you’ve struggled to find sustainable, lasting love, then this episode is for you. Learn about common pacing pitfalls that prevent couples from building stable partnerships, including red flags such as love bombing, how pacing can help you work skillfully with the “addiction” of love, and what to do when your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:15 - What is pacing in dating? And why should we care?
19:00 - How can we pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?
36:20 - What are signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?
49:50 - What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?
Resources and links
Episode: You Aren’t Crazy, Dating is Hard (Especially for Anxious Folx)
Episode: What to look for in a long-term partner
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.
Natalie Lue’s blog Baggage Reclaim
How Pacing Dating Can Help You Find a Love that Lasts
If you’ve found that your relationships develop at a romantic comedy pace, starting intensely (or dragging along at a snail’s pace) only to fall apart messily, today’s episode is for you. We’re discussing how pacing can help you find a love that lasts.
In dating, pacing refers to intentionally adjusting the speed at which you move through the different stages of a relationship.
We think pacing is an underrepresented topic in the dating advice-o-sphere. Finding a comfortable, security-boosting pace can make a pivotal difference when building healthy, long-term relationships, yet very few people discuss it.
The questions we’re going to answer today include:
What is pacing in dating?
Why should you pace your romantic relationships?
What are the signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?
How can you pace the development of a new connection for long-term success?
What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?
What is pacing in dating?
Ok, so what is pacing in dating?
Pacing is mindfully adjusting the rate at which you bond with and commit to a partner.
You can think of pacing as the Be Here Now of dating. It’s the practice of being present to and accepting of the reality of your connection with your potential mate.
Intentionally adjusting the pacing of dating to reflect your needs and a relationship’s actual stage of development increases your chances of building a healthy, long-term connection.
Pacing means you’re in touch with the relationship’s developmental phase and calibrating the time spent with your partner to match reality.
“Pacing means you’re in touch with the relationship’s developmental phase and calibrating the time spent with your partner to match reality.”
Dating that isn’t paced might include first dates that last 12 hours (because you just clicked so well!) or inviting your new sweetie to join you on an international trip three weeks after your first date (because it just feels so right!). Or, on the flip side, dating for months but avoiding “putting a label on it.” Or, keeping your love life compartmentalized, e.g. not introducing partners to friends or family.
Pacing enables you to work skillfully with the “addiction” of love.
Thanks to research by Helen Fisher, anthropologist and head science advisor at Match.com, we know that the same brain regions that are involved in addiction light up when we are in love. Lots of yummy chemicals flood our systems — dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, etc. — and we can’t eat or sleep or think clearly. We’re, in essence, high on our Beloved.
Fisher refers to love as a “positive addiction,” as love in its healthiest form is nourishing and happiness-boosting. I agree, with one caveat — it will only be a positive addiction if you’re partnered with someone who can build a secure functioning relationship with you. I believe pacing is one of the best ways to increase your chances of getting “hooked” on someone who’s actually a good fit.
“If love is a “positive addiction,” pacing increases your chances of getting “hooked” on someone who’s actually a good fit.”
Pacing means adjusting the frequency and kinds of bonding activities with your potential mate so you don’t fall prey to the old saying, “Love is blind.”
It means that you say “yes” to spending time together and deepening your intimacy but also carve out the time and space needed to come back down to earth so that you can assess the quality of the relationship.
On a physiological level, our lust chemicals reduce by about a year into a relationship. For example, it takes about a year for men’s testosterone levels to stabilize back to the level they were at before meeting their partner. For that reason, you might want to wait at least a year to get engaged so you’re confident you’re deciding to spend your lives together based on actual compatibility, not the “urge to merge.”
Pacing is about finding balance.
In pacing dating for long-term success, your goal is to stimulate enough of those yummy brain chemicals to bond with your partner but not so much that you lose yourself and your good judgment.
While you don’t want to be so consumed with your newfound love object that you’re not thinking clearly, you don’t want to suppress your desire or sabotage the bonding process. Limerence (the “falling head over heels” stage of all-consuming lust and passion) is essential to relationship-building. It’s also fun! Pleasure is vital to creating a deep bond with another human being, so allowing yourself to enjoy falling for your sweetie is essential.
Also, note that pacing is different for each person. For some, it means slowing down. For others, it means leaning in and allowing themselves to go faster than usual. For most, it means dancing between the two at varying times, depending on the circumstances.
Why should you pace your romantic relationships?
Without pacing, we risk attaching to someone who won’t ultimately be a good fit for us—or not attaching to someone who would be a good fit!
Pacing in dating is a way to shepherd your nervous system through a naturally stimulating process so that you have the clarity of mind needed to make good decisions.
Without it, we’re at risk of skipping over vital early developmental tasks, thereby failing to form a solid foundation upon which our relationship can flourish through the ups and downs of long-term love.
“Without pacing, we may fail to form a solid foundation upon which our relationship can flourish through the ups and downs of long-term love.”
Imagine you’re a few weeks into a new relationship, and your partner reaches out to you to see if you’d like to spend the weekend together. You’ve been looking forward to a weekend by yourself to rest and reflect on the relationship. You also worry that saying no will hurt their feelings and push them away.
Without knowing the importance of pacing, you might ignore your pull towards alone time and join your partner for the weekend. While avoiding stating your needs may save you discomfort in the short term, there’s a good chance it’ll make your life harder in the long run. You won’t gather important information about your partner and relationship. Stating your desires clearly will give you an opportunity to:
Collaborate and compromise with your partner, thereby building a sense of trust that you can navigate differing needs and desires.
Step away to assess the quality of your growing relationship.
See how your partner responds to your boundaries and need for space.
Pacing can help you determine whether your love interest is a Relationship Master or a Disaster.
Pacing can give you critical information about your love interest’s capacity to respond to your needs with care and compassion. Or whether they’re, as renowned couples therapists and researchers John and Julie Gottman say, Relationship Masters or Disasters.
Suppose you listen to your pacing and communicate it even when it doesn’t match what the other person wants. In that case, you will get feedback quickly if they cannot flex and respect your boundaries.
Notice how they respond when you slow things down or ask for more connection. Are they caring and kind? Critical, cold, or punishing? Do they subtly or overtly violate your boundaries? Or do they respect them and, by extension, you?
Pacing is especially helpful for avoiding relationships with the deeply hurt humans in the dating pool who relate in harmful ways, be they full-blown narcissists or just wounded people who have yet to go to therapy. You’ll get great information about their capacity and character by clearly communicating your needs and observing others’ responses.
“Pacing is especially helpful for avoiding relationships with the deeply hurt humans in the dating pool who relate in harmful ways.”
Pacing allows you to use dating to heal relational traumas.
As attachment-oriented creatures, human beings are wired to seek intimacy. Since our nervous systems perceive romantic partnership in the same category as food, water, and shelter, dating can feel high stakes, particularly if we’ve experienced difficulties in past relationships.
Ann Lamott once said, “Getting into a new relationship is like pouring Miracle-Gro on your character defects.”
Put another way, when we do the courageous thing of opening our hearts to another human being (i.e., dating), our unresolved relational traumas rise to the surface for healing.
Most singles don’t have the tools or practices needed to address the emotional wounds that get reopened in the dating process. Perhaps you, too, tend to date on autopilot, reacting rather than responding.
Your pacing may reflect this trauma-based form of dating. You may tend towards deepening your relationships at a snail’s or cheetah’s pace out of self-protection or comfort.
Like this:
If I just keep things casual, I won’t have to be tied down and risk being in a relationship that makes me miserable.
Or:
Let’s be honest — most people leave me. And it feels so good being with this person, so I’m just going to spend as much time with them as possible! At the very least, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts (which it probably won’t).
When you pace dating intentionally, you have a more significant opportunity to stay present with what arises when opening your heart to another human being.
Let’s take Magellan as an example, who grew up with an emotionally distant single mother who highly valued self-reliance. As a result, Magellan developed an avoidant attachment style, meaning they form fewer close relationships than more securely attached people due to their fear of dependency.
Magellan’s nervous system has learned to associate relationships with a loss of autonomy. For that reason, getting too intimate with another person triggers their threat response. They manage this by keeping others at a distance, i.e., avoiding dating or exiting relationships when they get “too serious.”
On autopilot and without the magic of pacing, Magellan waits a week before following up after a date, even if they’re interested in the person.
Magellan’s unconscious avoidance patterns also manifest as failing to respond to their love interest’s texts, avoiding intimacy-enhancing activities like meeting one another’s friends or sharing vulnerably, and responding to Defining the Relationship conversations (DTRs) with comments like “I don’t do labels.”
Despite generally living by the principle that I’m happy on my own and don’t need others, Magellan finds themselves longing to build a family. They hire me as their dating therapist so that they can get to the root of their commitment phobia.
As we review pacing, Magellan realizes that their tendencies towards distancing stop them from dealing with the fears of dependency they inherited from their mother. Together, we determine that pacing their dating life includes shortening the time between dates and follow-up texts and sharing at least one vulnerable thing about themselves on each date.
As Magellan accepts the challenge of pacing, they use the process outlined in our Dating is Hard episode. They utilize self-soothing and integration in response to the emotions triggered as they get closer to their love interests.
Pacing stops you from defaulting to the usual and activates the old hurts and fears that want to be healed. While not always pleasant, this is helpful — it allows you to see what gets in your way when building genuine intimacy. It does so in a contained, conscious way; the right pacing means that you have the time, space, and clarity of mind to bring your thoughts and feelings to your therapist, a friend, or your journal.
“Pacing allows you to see what gets in your way when it comes to building genuine intimacy. ”
As a reminder, pacing is about balance. The point is to find a pace that’s a stretch but not a strain, one that puts us in the zone of proximal development where we have enough challenge and comfort to make the process growthful. If Magellan attempted to go from many avoidance tactics to diving in with both feet, they would likely get overwhelmed, and their defenses would go into overdrive. In other words, their avoidant tendencies would return with a vengeance (hello, ghosting!).
Pacing means Magellan takes baby steps towards shifting their typical patterns, stimulating some but not too much fear. That way, they process a tolerable amount of residual trauma material rather than becoming overwhelmed.
How can you pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?
Hopefully, I’ve persuaded you that pacing your dating relationships offers many benefits. Now, let’s turn to the how of pacing.
To pace effectively, pause regularly.
First and foremost, establish a regular practice that allows you to take time out from your dating life to connect with your feelings and needs. That might look like journaling after each date, meditating daily, or speaking with a trusted loved one or a therapist consistently.
In the flurry of feelings that arise in dating, carving out time and utilizing structured practices will help you return to yourself, see your potential mate clearly, and tune into the quiet truths that reflect the relationship’s workability.
“Pacing will help you see your potential mate clearly and tune into the quiet truths that reflect the relationship’s workability.”
In other words, the purpose of pausing and reflecting, whether it’s solo or with support, is to connect with the truth of the relationship and your reaction to it, including:
your wants and needs
any automatic patterns that might be at play
any old wounds that are reopening, ready to be healed
your natural pace, i.e. what you’re ready for (or not)
For example, suppose you’re like my made-up client Gymanda (what? A made-up client deserves a made-up name), who tends to fall in love quickly. Her heart’s hungry for love, partly because she received insufficient love and attention while growing up in a family with seven kids and two overworked parents.
Gymanda regularly finds herself head-over-heels infatuated after sharing a glass of wine and some interesting conversation with a date. She comes to me for dating therapy after realizing that this tendency has her caught in a Groundhog’s Day of choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
After teaching her about pacing, we devised the following strategy to keep her from attaching too quickly:
She journaled after every date.
She committed to speaking with me about a match before saying yes to another date or other intimacy-deepening steps like making love.
In sessions, we reviewed her Ideal Mate list (see What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner to write your list) to ensure she only pursued connections that aligned with her values and relationship vision.
Until the evidence suggested that a particular love interest was available and a good match, she continued swiping and going on dates with other people.
These practices enabled Gymanda to go beyond the initial thrill of connection and tune into her genuine thoughts and feelings, including quieter, sometimes uncomfortable truths. She became more adept at saying things like, I’m definitely into him, but I didn’t feel comfortable with how he treated our server. I’m also noticing that my nervous system feels insecure and stressed when I think about him, especially since I haven’t heard from him since our last date.
Because she paused regularly, Gymanda eventually found her way into a relationship with a guy who, like her, had a heart that was hungry for love AND was emotionally available.
Know your pacing tendencies
As mentioned before, pacing in dating looks different for each individual.
Perhaps you, like Gymanda, tend to fall head over heels quickly in dating. You may jump in before you have a chance to assess things. Your pacing challenge is slowing down a little so that you can clearly see your potential partner and relationship.
Or perhaps you avoid getting close to others. In that case, pacing will be a different story. It might mean leaning in more, inviting closeness, and going faster. Or for trauma survivors who have a disorganized attachment style, it might mean showing up consistently rather than swinging between periods of intense closeness and sudden distance.
Therefore, it’s essential to know where you tend to land on the pacing spectrum.
Ask yourself:
Do I tend to move super fast in relationships, jumping in with both feet before I know the person?
Do I move too slowly to allow a deep bond to form?
Am I inconsistent? Do my mates feel confused by my wild swings in mood and desire?
There’s a good chance you already know the answers to these questions. Perhaps you’ve received feedback from dates (wow, you move fast!) or loved ones (Dude, if you like her, you should probably call her.). If you don’t know how to answer these questions, talk with someone who knows you well, such as a friend, dating coach, or anyone you trust to give you an objective, third-party perspective.
Commit to pacing mindfully
Your self-assessment will allow you to identify an overarching pacing strategy. I recommend stating your commitment to pacing in writing or to a supportive other, such as a friend or therapist. It might sound something like this:
I commit to slowing down and being present in the Not Knowing of dating. I will carve out time to listen to the small, wise voice within.
I am willing to take the risk of spending more time with my love interests. I commit to revealing more of my inner world, including my affection for them.
I accept the challenge of adopting a steady pace in dating. I will get to know potential matches consistently and follow through, even if my sweet nervous system urges me to merge or run.
“I commit to slowing down and being present in the Not Knowing of dating. I will carve out time to listen to the small, wise voice within.”
Consider and consciously choose the timing of common relationship milestones
As a mammal, you’re designed to bond with other people. Predictably so, in fact, in the right circumstances.
For example, humans are wired to feel connected when gazing into another’s eyes or sharing affectionate touch. Many people who’ve experienced a one-night stand can attest that feelings of attachment are a predictable biological response to lovemaking, even if the other person isn’t a match for a long-term relationship!
(Or, as a friend puts it, If I had sex with that lamp over there, I’d want to marry it!)
Pacing means we consciously choose when to incorporate things like lovemaking or traveling together. By intentionally selecting the timing of relationship milestones, you can more effectively mediate that cascade of yummy limerence neurochemicals to match the reality of the relationship.
“By intentionally selecting the timing of relationship milestones, you can more effectively mediate that cascade of yummy limerence neurochemicals to match the reality of the relationship.”
Here are some examples of typical relationship milestones that you might consider pacing:
A first kiss
Meeting friends
Sex
Daily contact
Talking about marriage, kids, etc.
Sharing an essential aspect of your life, e.g., making music, cooking a meal, or going to church together
Becoming exclusive, moving from “dating” to “a relationship.”
Going on a trip
Meeting family
Becoming one another’s emergency contact
Creating shared rituals (e.g., morning/evening rituals, praying or sharing gratitudes at meals, sharing holidays)
Moving in together
When pacing, identify the activities and settings that are likely to deepen your bond with a potential partner. Here are a few ways to do that:
Review the list above and rate each item’s bonding effect on you. On a scale of 0-10, how likely would this activity deepen my attachment to a potential mate?
Keeping your pacing tendencies in mind, identify the timing for various milestones that would support you in bonding at a healthy pace with those you date. For example:
I will wait until at least the second date to kiss a love interest
I will bring up the topic of exclusivity after dating someone for a month.
I choose to only cohabitate with a partner after we are engaged.
I will respond to messages from love interests within 24 hours, even if I’m feeling the urge to hibernate.
Take time to pause and meditate on the timing of each milestone for specific relationships. Tune into your nervous system and ask yourself whether your heart is ready to cross a particular intimacy threshold.
Note that the lists you create in Steps 1 and 2 aren’t meant to create a set of rigid rules. Step 3 invites you to combine the cognitive, left-brained approach from the first two steps with a right-brained, emotion-focused system such that you respond mindfully and authentically in each developing relationship. That’s because we make wiser, more confident decisions when we integrate all parts of ourselves, including our thinking mind and embodied, feeling brain.
Activities that would deepen attachment for some may not do so for you. What speeds up bonding varies wildly from individual to individual.
For example, when first dating, I thought carefully about when to invite my now-husband, Josh, to my house for the first time. I find it generally very bonding to host someone in my sacred space.
On the flip side, one of my friends invites love interests over on the second date. He finds that getting to know a date in a comfortable, private space allows him to form a deeper bond, whereas meeting in public stops him from opening his heart enough to develop a connection.
There isn’t a set relationship trajectory you must follow in pacing — it’s pretty personal, which is one of the beautiful things about pacing. Done well, it reflects your uniqueness and the one-of-a-kind relationship you create with a partner.
Some questions that can help you pace:
When pacing dating for long-term love, try answering these questions in a journal or with a friend or therapist:
How much time away from this person do I need to return to myself and consider whether we’re genuinely compatible?
What frequency, intensity, and length of contact will enable me to balance challenge with soothing (see our Dating is Hard episode to learn why this is important)?
What kind of relating will bring up enough of my (psychological/attachment/trauma) material without flooding me?
Do I have enough information to justify the risk of opening my heart to this person? Do I know enough about their character and our shared values?
What do I need to know or experience to feel comfortable taking this relationship to the next level?
Have we formed a secure enough bond to manage any feelings, triggers, or attachment responses that might arise if we ________(insert next milestone from your list, e.g., make love)?
Note that your pacing needs will change as the relationship develops. For example, at the beginning of the relationship, you might need a week between dates to recenter yourself, whereas later in the relationship, you might only need a day.
Hopefully, these questions help you identify what your sweet self needs in your burgeoning connection with your love interest. That might include inviting them to the next level of commitment or vulnerability, asking directly about uncomfortable topics, or slowing things down.
What are some signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?
Now that we understand the what and how of pacing, let’s talk about signs that a relationship is developing at an unhealthy pace.
Love bombing
Love bombers use extreme displays of attention and affection to influence a romantic partner. The intensity of the romantic gestures is often only matched by the sudden and unexpected nature of the relationship’s end (think ghosting, cheating, etc.) or the partner’s personality change (think Jekyll and Hyde).
Love bombing includes, as Natalie Lue of the blog Baggage Reclaim describes, fast forwarding — “where someone sweeps you up in a tide of intensity when they’re pursuing you and you’re dating them and you end up missing crucial red flags.” This deprives you both of the vital process of gradually getting to know each other in various settings and progressively deepening vulnerability.
Another subset of love bombing is future faking - “when someone gives you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present.” **This includes conversations, comments, or behaviors that communicate they are all in on long-term commitment within the first few hours, days, weeks, or even months of a relationship. Remember — it takes at least a year to get a good sense of someone’s capacity to build a secure functioning relationship!
For example, a future faker might paint a picture of your future life with 2.5 kids, a beautiful house, and a dog only a few dates into your relationship.
Or you might find yourself in a situationship with someone who separated from their spouse only weeks prior and is still living with their ex while they screw up the courage to ask for a divorce. They might say We haven’t been in love for a long time, and we’ve talked about legally ending the marriage. But I want to keep seeing you because I see a future with you. You’re exactly the woman I’ve been looking for.
Delaying the natural next step in the relationship’s development
Another sign that pacing is off in a relationship is delaying the natural next step.
For example, you match with someone on an app and message for weeks or months before suggesting a date.
Delaying the natural next step can also include avoiding important conversations, including:
Acting like you’re in a relationship when no conversation about exclusivity or commitment has been made.
Avoiding Defining the Relationship Conversations (DTRs).
Hiding your dealbreakers until weeks, months, or years in.
Running hot and cold
Pacing is off if you cannot reliably predict when you’ll hear from or see your partner or what kind of mood they’ll be in when you’re together.
This includes behaviors like breadcrumbing, where someone replies to your texts and offers to spend time together enough to keep you coming back but not enough to feel fed by the connection.
Unpredictability in relationships is a form of intermittent reinforcement, leaving you addicted to an ultimately unsatisfying connection. Or, as Ken Page puts it, an attraction of deprivation.
Rejecting early and often
For some, unhealthy pacing manifests as rarely getting past the first date or few because “I just wasn’t feeling it.”
This is often an expression of avoidant attachment, which includes a tendency to be hypercritical of potential mates as a defense mechanism. Those who lean avoidant quickly assume that a connection has little to offer them.
Rejecting early and often can also result from romantic notions that create unrealistic expectations, e.g., looking for “love at first sight” and bowing out if there isn’t an immediate spark.
Achieving relationship milestones at a romantic comedy pace
If a relationship makes you feel like you’re starring in a rom-com, proceed cautiously. This might look like:
Going on an overnight trip for the second date.
Moving in after just a couple of months of dating.
Going on a second date a couple of months after the first.
Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster.
Regarding the last point, a big tell that the pacing is off is that you feel ungrounded. Even if the relationship has moments of bliss, it’s not a good sign if you’re caught in an unpredictable cycle of extreme ups and downs.
Most people will experience highs and lows in dating, even if the pacing is on point. The important thing is to look at a particular relationship on balance over time. If you find that a relationship brings frequent swings between ecstasy and despair, that’s a red flag, whereas feeling largely grounded, respected, and connected is a green flag.
If your nervous system is out of whack when you connect with your love interest, something’s off.
“If you find your nervous system is outta whack when you connect with your love interest, that means something’s off.”
You’ve stopped adulting
When pacing is off in a relationship, it’s not uncommon for people to stop caring for themselves and their responsibilities.
For example, they:
Stop exercising.
Fail to pursue their life goals such as applying to grad school or training for a marathon.
Miss work.
Fall off the map, e.g., stop responding to friends.
How do we know when our dating pacing is on point?
Let’s return to our first pacing principle — to pace effectively, pause regularly.
Give yourself the time and space to check in with your mind and body. In particular, take note of your nervous system. When you consider your relationship and partner in mind, how does your body feel? Are you at an optimal level of arousal — stimulated and engaged but not overwhelmed? Or do you feel flooded, frozen, or disengaged?
Signs that pacing is on point include:
Gradually, progressively deepening levels of affection and vulnerability (not on full blast from the beginning as in love bombing).
Actions matching words.
Consistency.
Making and following through on small promises (vs. failing to follow through on big ones. E.g., I’m going to pick you up at 8 pm vs. We would make beautiful children together!)
A sense that the relationship is gently but steadily developing (vs. hot/cold or start/stop)
You’re having meaningful conversations with one another with a sense of open-hearted ease (not anxiety or urgency).
You share dealbreakers to ensure the connection is viable for both people (not out of urgency or as a form of future faking).
Giving connections time to develop (i.e., going on at least two dates provided no dealbreakers exist).
Feeling happy, calm, and at ease (on balance) when relating to your partner.
Adulting includes maintaining self-care, pursuing meaningful goals, and maintaining friendships.
What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?
There are at least two people in any relationship, meaning at least some of the time, your pacing may not match your partner’s. So what should you do if that happens?
Expect different pacing needs
You can assume that you and your potential mates will encounter different needs in terms of the pacing of your relationship. You’re different people, after all! Welcome to the simultaneous joy and challenge of intimate relationships.
Accepting this inevitability of pacing differences will lead to the natural next step — committing to communicating openly about your varying needs.
Communicate early and often about your pacing needs
In particular, I recommend communicating about your pacing early and often.
For example, let’s imagine a match reaches out after your great first date to suggest another get-together but suggests doing so several weeks in the future. You notice you’re anxious and disappointed by the potential extended gap between dates, as you know you won’t thrive in a relationship where you can’t see your partner relatively often.
You might feel it’s too early to make your desire for more time known. What if they experience you as clingy? But you’ve learned the importance of sharing your pacing needs early and often, so you take the plunge and send this text:
Hi! I had a great time on Saturday. Thanks for the boba 😊 I’m excited to see you again! Any chance you’re free sometime next week? Next month sounds like such a long time to wait to hang again! If you’re super busy, I’m happy to make it a shorter date, like a cup of coffee or even just a phone call.
In other words, you make your pacing needs known AND start a conversation where you can find a win-win. That’s a high-level relationship skill you’re honing right from the beginning (because you’re a growth-oriented, hella-courageous human).
But Jessica, what about the clinginess thing?! I mean, won’t that response push some people away?
Yes, that response might be a lot for some people, including those who are overwhelmed, avoidant, or not actually interested in a relationship. In other words, people you weren’t going to build a deep, abiding connection with them in the long term anyway. Better to know now, right?
Your partner will be stoked to hear you’re excited to see them again. They’ll recognize and appreciate your bid for connection and your outstanding communication skills. They will “yes, and” you by partnering to find a solution that meets both of your pacing needs.
Use your partner’s response to your pacing needs to assess your fit as a couple
Again, communicating pacing needs may feel scary, but it’s an excellent way to hone your relationship skills, which is all about finding ways for both people to feel cared for and respected.
It’s also an excellent way to understand your relationship’s workability. Here are some questions to consider:
When either person suggests something that will impact how quickly you bond, how do you respond individually and as a couple?
Do you take care of one another?
Do you both communicate what you want and need in terms of pacing?
When you set boundaries with one another around pacing, do you do so in a kind, compassionate manner?
Does your partner express their pacing needs rather than diminishing or aggressively asserting them?
Does your partner respect your boundaries?
Do you see one another’s pacing needs as valid and respond accordingly?
In answering these questions, you are assessing the health of what Stan Tatkin refers to as a two-person psychological system. Your capacity to join with your partner in finding a mutually agreeable pace reflects the overall ability of your nervous systems to dance together satisfyingly.
“Your capacity to join with your partner in finding a mutually agreeable pace reflects the overall capacity of your nervous systems to dance together in a satisfying way.”
If you can’t compromise on pacing, you might not be a fit
If your pacing is wildly different from your love interests’ and you struggle to find a mutually agreeable middle, you may not be a match.
Healthy relationships feel like a dance, not a boxing match. There’s enough sameness, difference, and skill between you to feel a sense of fluid give and take.
If you feel like you’re working hard to compromise on your level of closeness, which leaves you feeling depleted, consider whether the relationship truly supports your well-being.
If your partner’s pace is concerning, set boundaries kindly yet firmly
It’s essential to communicate your pacing needs openly if your love interest engages in troubling pacing behaviors such as love bombing or breadcrumbing.
In these cases, set boundaries that reflect your commitment to healthy pacing. If your partner responds negatively or disregards your boundaries, you may want to consider ending the relationship.
If you decide to end rather than deepen a relationship, take a moment to grieve. Then — when you’re ready — celebrate! Your next-level pacing skills saved you from a relationship that likely would have ended in heartbreak. You’re also that much closer to meeting your person.
TLDR: Intentionally pacing dating can help you find lasting love.
Pacing dating means mindfully adjusting the rate at which you’re bonding with and committing to a partner so that you can work skillfully with the “addiction” of love.
Pacing is about finding the sweet spot of closeness/distance and challenge/soothing so you can remain clear-sighted while searching for your person.
Without pacing, we risk attaching to someone who won’t ultimately be a good fit for us—or not attaching to someone who would be a good fit!
Pacing can help determine whether your love interest is a Relationship Master or Disaster. It can also help you heal past relational traumas.
To pace effectively, pause regularly. Use meditation, journaling, and therapy to tune into your needs and feelings about a new relationship.
Know your pacing tendencies and commit to dating at a healthy pace for you.
Consider and consciously choose the timing of typical relationship milestones like a first kiss, meeting family, or getting engaged.
Signs that pacing is off in dating include love bombing, delaying the natural next step in the relationship’s development, running hot and cold, rejecting early and often, achieving relationship milestones at a romantic comedy pace, and failing to adult, i.e., taking care of yourself or your adult responsibilities.
Signs that pacing is on point include a gradual deepening of intimacy, actions matching words, consistency, small promises, honest communication, feeling at ease, and self-care.
It’s normal for partners to have different pacing needs.
Communicate early and often about your pacing needs and observe how your partner responds.
Consider ending the relationship if your partner displays questionable pacing tendencies and cannot respect your pacing.
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Need help pacing dating so you can finally find your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com