Ever wondered why online dating is so exhausting? If dating apps are making you depressed, join us for today’s episode. You’ll learn why nearly 80% of people report feeling emotionally fatigued when dating online and gain actionable strategies for how to avoid online dating burnout. We’ll also share key mindsets that will enable you to weather the ups and downs of dating so that you can find lasting love.
Our guest today is Laia Pedreño Mateu, dating coach, psychotherapist, and resident Shame Slayer at the Relationship Center. In addition to helping trauma survivors and highly sensitive people overcome anxiety, Laia’s obsessed with science fiction, group therapy, and singing 80s tunes to her golden doodle, Lucy.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
03:00 - What is dating burnout?
06:17 - Why is online dating so exhausting?
16:50 - What do we do about it?
30:34 - Why is mindset important in online dating?
39:50 - What mindsets help prevent dating burnout?
Resources and links
Emotional Fatigue and Burnout in Online Dating – Data Study
‘A Decade of Fruitless Searching’: The Toll of Dating App Burnout - NY Times
The Acceptance Prophecy: How You Control Who Likes You
Do You Believe in Relationship Magic? by David J Bredehoft Ph.D.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA
Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke
How to Avoid Online Dating Burnout
Josh and I were thrilled to speak with our teammate, Laia Pedreño Mateu, about how to avoid online dating burnout.
Laia is a psychotherapist, dating coach, and EMDR practitioner at the Relationship Center, though her preferred title is Shame Slayer. Among other things, Laia helps shy introverts, chronically single adults, and highly-sensitive trauma survivors overcome anxiety so they can find and keep love.
We’re excited to share with you the following summary of our conversation about how to build resiliency when dating online.
80% of people report feeling emotionally exhausted by online dating. Here’s why and what to do about it.
What is online dating burnout?
Online dating burnout occurs when the energy and effort you’re investing seemingly fails to produce positive results.
Emotional exhaustion is an understandable response to, for example, investing countless hours of time swiping, messaging, and going on dates only to remain single.
Signs of online dating burnout include:
Feeling bitter or cynical about dating.
Avoiding dating.
Impulsive behavior, e.g. rage-deleting the apps.
Feeling apathetic, exhausted, or hopeless about dating.
Feeling resignation or dread before, during, or after dates.
Laia also noted that dating burnout often shows up as a decreased capacity for connection.
For example, perhaps you increasingly find yourself on auto-pilot on dates, telling the same tired stories and jokes instead of being truly present with the other person.
Or maybe you’re quick to complain about dating to whoever might listening. In particular, those who are burnout may tend towards sweeping generalizations like men/women/people suck! or all of the best ones are taken!
Why is online dating so exhausting?
A 2022 survey by the data analytics company Singles Reports concluded that nearly 80 percent reported emotional burnout or fatigue with online dating. But why?
Here are 7 reasons why so many find online dating exhausting:
1. Trying to build intimate connections with strangers is hard.
Laia suggested that in part, dating is energy intensive because it requires you to connect with strangers with little to no common ground. Unlike meeting someone at work or through a common friend, going on a date means building an intimate connection without any shared context or social support.
And if you're really committed to dating, you’re regularly attempting to build bonds with strangers out of thin air, over and over again. Phew!
2. Dating is high stakes, so disappointments hit hard.
I also suspect that any high-stakes activity leaves us susceptible to burnout. And dating is absolutely high stakes, a least on a neurobiological level. Human beings are wired to seek out connection, so much so that we unconsciously group love and emotional safety in the same “I need this to survive” category as food or water. For that reason, finding a partner can feel tantamount to a life-or-death issue.
That means the ups and downs of dating are going to have greater energetic and emotional costs than activities that are less important to us.
3. Repeatedly dashed hopes lead to burnout.
Dating requires a lot of really complex emotional and social skills, not to mention resiliency.
As Laia pointed out, it’s normal to get your hopes up about someone who seems promising. That said, most connections won’t be “the one,” which means your hopes may be dashed repeatedly. Depending on the interaction, they may be dashed in particularly disappointing ways.
Some of the people in the dating pool behave in surprising and sometimes disappointing ways. They may send mixed messages, lack communication skills, lose their manners when interacting online, or do all the above.
It’s no small feat to keep going in the face of repeated disappointment and rejection.
After a few too many rounds of raised and dashed hopes, anyone would naturally feel hesitant to keep dating.
4. It’s easy to feel helpless about dating, which in turn incites despair.
Josh suggested that dating may incite burnout because it can feel out of our control. You may feel as though you’re doing everything “right” but nothing seems to make any difference when it comes to finding a lasting relationship. In other words, you feel powerless.
Who wants to invest an immense amount of time, energy, and money in anything that only seems to produce disappointment? Lack of motivation makes perfect sense if you find your dating efforts wholly ineffectual.
Laia pointed out that humans tend to respond to powerlessness by trying to control. So much of dating is outside of our control, which is deeply unsettling; in the face of that anxiety, we may attempt to gain a sense of control by making pessimistic, sweeping assumptions like dating in the Bay Area is impossible!
Emily Nagoski, PhD. explains in this article and her book, Burnout, that our brains constantly monitor how much effort we put in vs how much progress we’re making when pursuing goals:
At a certain point, if you’re working hard and just not making headway, your [brain] will switch its assessment of your goal from being attainable, to being unattainable! When it does that, it pushes you off an emotional cliff into a pit of despair.
5. Compared to other kinds of socializing, dating isn’t predictably nourishing.
Laia also suggested that online dating tires us out because it requires a lot of relational energy but yields less consistently positive results than other forms of socializing.
For many, connecting with friends and family reliably provides care, laughter, play, relaxation, and comfort.
In contrast, dating requires us to invest our energy and free time in building a relationship with no guarantee that our investment will pay off. We may leave most dating interactions feeling more drained than nourished.
6. Online dating apps are designed like slot machines: compelling yet draining.
The makers of online apps want to entice you to stay on their platforms for as long as possible. Just like social media, the apps are designed like slot machines, capitalizing on the addictive nature of intermittent reinforcement.
How would you feel spending hours a day in front of a slot machine?
Similarly, how do you feel when you get caught in the endless scroll of social media?
When using these technologies as well as online dating apps, most people feel compelled to continue thanks to the bursts of dopamine they provoke in our brains. Unfortunately, they also end up feeling exhausted, cynical, and a bit empty.
In other words, you may experience online dating burnout due to the design of the platforms.
7. Being evaluated is anxiety-producing. And anxiety is exhausting.
Laia also pointed out that in online dating, we have to manage the stress and anxiety that comes with being evaluated and potentially judged.
Most human beings feel anxious when under assessment. Add to that our neurobiological drive to find a partner that, as mentioned earlier, amounts to a life-or-death need and no wonder putting ourselves out there online kicks up insecurities.
If you’ve been searching for your partner for a long time, you may be even more prone to feeling insecure.
Am I normal?
Am I attractive?
Is there something wrong with me but nobody's telling me?
Laia shared that she went through a period where 10 minutes prior to a date, she’d suddenly forget how to smile. Wait, where do I put my lips? Is this a smile or a grimace?
How can you prevent online dating burnout?
Considering how common it is to get tired of online dating, learning how to reduce burnout is one key strategy to dating success.
There are lots of tips when it comes to preventing online dating burnout:
Logan Ury, dating coach and author of How to Not Die Alone, recommends going for matches you’re genuinely excited about.
A recent NY Times article about The Toll of Dating App Burnout offers several tips from a smattering of experts:
Talk with a therapist to clarify why the apps are burning you out.
Browse mindfully & speak to only a few matches at a time.
Stop browsing the app after you’ve found 9 people you’ve connected with (the max number of items we can hold in mind at one time).
Meet matches virtually first.
Because the apps are designed to keep you swiping, set a time limit for your use. If needed, get accountability from a friend.
Take breaks from online dating as needed. (That said, make sure you have a clear plan for resuming dating so that you don’t end up avoiding it for an extended period!)
Pace yourself and your relationships. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Listen to our episode about pacing.
Laia suggests:
Get really intentional about dating. That is, do the work to identify what you’re looking for in a partner (see our episode on What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner) and develop a dating strategy accordingly.
Learn dating best practices (especially from the awesome podcast, *I Love You, Too 🙃).
Don’t play games. You will experience less disappointing behavior from others the more you show up with kindness and consideration.
After dates, connect with friends and communities that nourish you. That way you aren’t attempting to get your relational needs met through dating alone.
Suggest date activities that you’ll genuinely enjoy. If you prefer a cup of oolong over a chardonnay, suggest a tea house instead of a shmancy wine bar. When Josh adopted this strategy, he found dating much more enjoyable.
Adopt mindsets that promote dating resiliency.
Why is mindset important in online dating?
On that final point, let’s look at why mindset is so important when it comes to preventing online dating burnout.
Unlike many aspects of dating, you are in control of your mindset. For that reason, adjusting your mindset is one of the most effective ways to improve your experience of dating.
We can think about our mindset as a pair of lenses through which we see the world.
For example, let’s imagine your glasses have red lenses. Those lenses only let through red light, which means everything you see while wearing those glasses will appear red.
In a similar way, if you adopt a particular negative belief, your brain will filter everything through that conclusion.
For example, if you believe that there are no good single men/women/people left, your brain will pay attention to data that confirms that belief and reject any evidence that contradicts it.
Shifting your mindset can help you refocus your mind’s attention such that you see opportunities and connections that you would have missed otherwise. For example, if you let go of the belief that dating brings out the worst in people!, you may find yourself less prone to fixating on those who treat you poorly and more aware of emotionally available mates who express interest.
This relates to the self-fulfilling prophesy of anxious attachment. In her book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep-Friends, Dr. Marissa Franco discusses how anxiously attached people tend to project rejection in ambiguous social situations, prompting them to turn distant and cold.
Research shows that the partners of these anxiously attached people tend to report low relationship satisfaction as a result. In other words, anxiously attached folx unconsciously create the conditions for their greatest fear — rejection and distance.
On the flip side, there's the Acceptance Prophecy: research shows that when you assume others like you, they tend to treat you with warmth and acceptance.
To be very clear, we are not endorsing the Secret as your main dating strategy. The science of self-fulfilling prophecies shows us that there’s a very tangible, predictable connection between mindset and results. Your perspective impacts your behaviors, which in turn affects how others respond to you.
Which mindsets prevent and heal dating burnout?
Now that you know the importance of adjusting your perspective in dating, let’s review 8 mindsets that you can adopt to avoid dating burnout.
1. Commitment to enjoy (vs. focusing on what you dislike)
Laia shared that she abhorred math as a kid. Math class and homework felt like torture, but she had to find a way to get a passing grade. Eventually, she resolved to find something about the subject that she’d enjoyed. When she did, her grades improved.
A commitment to enjoyment can make or break your dating experience.
If you've come to the conclusion that you need to date because you really want to find love, find something about dating that you can enjoy.
Maybe you love trying new restaurants — make it your mission to savor new food experiences on dates, regardless of how much you enjoy the company.
Perhaps you deeply enjoy getting to know new people. Commit to learning one unusual fact about your dates, even if they don’t end up being your Person.
Or maybe you revel in the cringey joy of collecting (sometimes awful) first-date stories that will entertain your friends.
The “what” of your enjoyment doesn’t matter, so long as you can anchor your attention on something other than dating sucks. That will likely bring about better connections, anyways — it’s much more fun interacting with someone who’s enjoying themselves! In addition, people who show interest and engagement on a date are perceived as more attractive and tend to get more second dates.
2. Growth (vs. fixed) mindset
A growth mindset — the belief that intelligence can be developed and mistakes are opportunities to learn — makes all the difference when it comes to developing dating resilience.
Growth mindset is a term that was coined by Carol Dwek, a Stanford research psychologist who studied the impact of mindset in academic settings. Dwek found that students who see intelligence as static (i.e. a fixed mindset) tend to perform much more poorly than those who possess a growth mindset.
Fixed mindset students see mistakes as failures and indicators of an inherent lack of intelligence; as you can imagine, these individuals show low motivation, an inability to learn from mistakes, anxiety and depression, and in turn poor grades.
Students with growth mindsets, on the other hand, have a greater sense of free will, embrace challenges, and in turn achieve greater success.
Adopt a growth mindset in your dating life. Trust in your capacity to develop dating intelligence. See dating as a hero/ine’s journey chock full of trials and tribulations that you can use to prepare for the greatest relationship of your life.
A growth mindset in dating might include:
When a relationship doesn’t work out, look for what you learned rather than what you (or they) did wrong.
Take rejection as an opportunity to hone your vision of your ideal relationship (not proof that you are undesirable and should give up).
When someone declines a second date, use the process to practice responding to others’ boundaries with kindness and compassion (a key skill that will serve you in your future LTR).
When things get uncomfortable, ask yourself, what important skill can I practice in this situation? As Ken Page says, “the skills of dating are the deep skills of intimacy, and the deep skills of intimacy are the skills for a happy rich life.”
Adopting a growth mindset will enable you to bring a spirit of adventure, optimism, and those “positive vibes” you keep reading about in dating profiles. And intentional daters are attractive, as evidenced by Match.com’s 2022 Singles in America study:
Now more than ever, singles are invested in conscious dating: Looking beyond just physical attraction to use dating as a way to learn about themselves (who they are, what they need, and their behavioral patterns throughout the process)…Singles are dating with intention — and they’re seeking someone with mindfulness to match.
Also, please note that adopting a growth mindset does not mean you should bypass the inevitable painful feelings that arise when dating gets difficult. A growth mindset embraces difficulties and the feelings that accompany challenges and uses them to further learning.
3. Radical acceptance (vs. resistance)
At this point, you may be thinking about all of those people who got into great relationships early in life without much effort. Why do they have it so easy while I have to be all growth-mindset-y about it?
Here’s where dating mindsets start to mimic the best that spiritual practices & evidence-based therapies have to offer us. In particular, radical acceptance, a skill taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and related to Buddhist practices.
There isn’t a clear rhyme or reason why some people have it harder when it comes to dating. But they do. Just like some people are born into impoverished communities while others are born into wealth. Or some experience a great deal of childhood trauma while others grow up happy and safe.
Laia wisely pointed out that regardless of what hand you’ve been dealt, you will get so much more out of dating if you turn towards and radically accept your challenges rather than running from them.
Radically accepting your dating path might sound like this:
Okay, for whatever reason it is hard for me to date and find a partner. I don’t like it, but it is what it is. I'm gonna give myself the gift of tackling this challenge. I’m not going to run. I’m not going to blame forces outside me that are out of my control. I’m not going to blame myself. I’m going to learn the skills I need to master this and find healthy love.
If radical acceptance as a spiritual practice doesn’t resonate for you, think of it as a practical approach. Does asking why me? get you anywhere?
Repeatedly raging against the heavens doesn’t usually move the plot forward, so you might as well turn toward your struggles and see what there is to learn.
4. Relational (vs. evaluative) mindset
Online apps tend to evoke a shopping mentality. We swipe left or right on two-dimensional images much in the way we sort through information when shopping online.
In addition, many people have been hurt in relationships, so they enter dates with their guards up, evaluating closely. If you’ve ever been on a date that felt like a job interview, you know what I mean.
I don’t know about you, but I find online shopping and job interviews exhausting.
To avoid the understandable burnout that comes from dating in this dehumanized way, we recommend adopting a relational mindset. That is, remind yourself that you’re interacting with other human beings and commit to showing up in the most collaborative, supportive way possible.
Josh shared a question from friend and fellow coach, Zo Tobi, that supports a relational mindset. Instead of asking what can I get? from a potential date or mate, ask what can I give? What can I contribute in this moment?
Let’s imagine you’re crafting a message to someone you’ve matched with online. A relational mindset might prompt you to ask yourself, what sweetness do I want to send this person’s way? Rather than strategizing about how to get a particular outcome such as a date, focus on leaving the person better than you found them.
Happy couples work hard to support and uplift one another. A relational mindset allows you to use dating to practice being an emotionally supportive, kind partner on the path toward meeting your person.
Of course, we’re not advocating that you avoid evaluation altogether in dating. It’s important to discern whether a relationship is right for you. That said, limit the time you spend in assessment mode, particularly on dates. A relational mindset will allow you to create a relational environment characterized by warmth, collaboration, and affection, i.e. a secure functioning relationship!
5. Journey (vs. unity) mindset
According to research by Spike W.S. Lee and Norbert Schwarz, those who adopt a Journey mindset are happier in relationships than those who adopt a Unity mindset.
A Unity mindset is based on the romantic notion of soulmates, i.e. there is one person out there that is perfectly designed for you.
This compelling perspective is an unfortunate setup for disappointment. If your one true love is perfectly designed for you, that means you shouldn’t have any conflict, right?
In other words, the inevitable bumps along the road will call the perfection of your union into question, leaving you doubtful and dissatisfied.
On the other hand, couples who see relationships as a journey navigate conflict with less turbulence and more acceptance, leading to greater closeness over time.
Journey-mindset couples celebrate how they’ve managed to deepen their connection in spite of everything life has thrown at them.
In dating, you can adopt a journey mindset by framing conflict with potential mates as an important and normal part of the process.
Accept that getting to know another human being will always include a mix of ease and challenge. We grow through our relationships in ways we can’t elsewhere. Or, as my therapist puts it, partnership inevitably includes some “sandpapering” — our rough edges smooth out over time as we come in close contact with another dynamic human being.
This form of a growth mindset will enable you to turn a curious eye toward conflict and learn rather than feeling affronted by your differences.
6. Awe and gratitude (vs. scarcity) mindset
If you feel frustrated and embittered by online dating, try adopting an awe- and gratitude-infused, historical perspective.
Before we dive into this perspective, I want to first echo Laia’s acknowledgment that modern dating mirrors society's unjust power and oppression dynamics. Especially online. If you want to see racism, classism, ageism, sexism, fatphobia, homophobia, transphobia, and all the other phobias in technicolor, try dating online.
Please know that the following mindset is by no means intended to gaslight anyone who is having significant struggles in online dating due to the very real injustices that permeate our society. We see you — the hate and inequality is real. Your anger and despair and burnout make perfect sense and we do not mean the following to be an encouragement to push any of those very valid feelings down.
Now, that said, let’s zoom out from the present day and consider what finding a mate would have looked like 50 to 100 years ago.
For example, if you are a woman of color in her late 30s or 40s, think about how limited your dating prospects would have been a century ago. Unmarried women at that time were typically referred to as spinsters and rarely had the chance to build happy relationships later in life.
Online dating can be rough for women in their 30s and 40s and women of the global majority, yes, but it is possible to meet someone wonderful online — we see it every day.
Similarly, let’s consider LGBTQ folx. Think about how difficult and dangerous it was for queer humans to find love a century ago.
Online dating has enabled people of marginalized groups to find one another and build relationships with relative safety, where doing so half a century ago would have been nearly impossible or dangerous.
As Laia pointed out, singles now have access to an incredible pool of people who are looking for similar things. And they want intimacy enough that they’re willing to put themselves out there publicly.
And online dating is available to you whenever, for the remainder of your life! You could be in your 80s or 90s and you will still find singles you can connect with online. Isn’t that delightful?
As flawed as online dating can be, it’s also miraculous.
7. Internal (vs. external) locus of control
If you believe that the results of your love life are out of your control, you’re more likely to burn out from online dating.
This mindset is called an external locus of control — the belief that factors outside our control determine our fate — and has been linked to depression and relationship dissatisfaction.
In contrast, those who believe they can influence the outcome of their lives possess what psychologists call an internal locus of control. Research shows that people who believe they are in control of their lives report greater mental well-being and relationship satisfaction.
Mindfully observe your responses to your dating life — do you interpret the ups and downs as Fate, cruel when things go poorly and generous when things go well? Or do you see yourself as empowered to create the love life you want?
Josh wisely pointed out that this mindset requires nuance. In truth, you’re neither all-powerful nor wholly helpless.
There are things that are legitimately outside of our control in dating. You can’t force another person to feel a particular way about you. You can’t stop racism from making the apps rough for people of color. You can’t control when you meet your person or how many bad dates you have to sit through before they arrive.
Internal locus of control isn’t about dismissing the very real factors that make dating an unpredictable adventure. We can tell the truth about the limits of our power while also acknowledging the ways in which we have control.
Josh offered this example: let’s imagine you want to get to a friend's house. The only problem is, there’s a mountain between your house and theirs.
An extreme/delusional form of internal locus of control would mean pretending like the mountain isn't there. You set out to your friend’s house, get halfway up the mountain, and stop, exhausted and wondering why you weren’t able to reach your goal.
A more nuanced form of internal locus of control would mean acknowledging the existence of the mountain. Before setting out, you might ask yourself, how can I prepare for the challenges that lay ahead? You pack snacks, plan your route, and make sure to take breaks along the way.
Let’s come back to dating. A nuanced approach to dating that utilizes an internal locus of control might sound like this:
Dating is hard, especially for a differently-abled, neurodivergent human like me. But I get to choose how to engage with the process, no matter what’s happening. I am in charge of my love life!
I’m going to get support from my community to put myself out there in ways that are uncomfortable but necessary.
It’s inevitable that as I date, I will meet people who aren’t a good fit or perhaps even treat me poorly. That said, I can use those experiences to iterate on my dating strategy so that I have better connections over time.
I will do whatever’s needed to give myself the best possible experience of dating, including doing my inner work, saying what I need kindly but firmly, and taking calculated risks.
I can’t always control what happens but I can choose how I respond. I choose to be kind and real, no matter what.
8. Self-compassion (vs. self-criticism)
I’ll end today’s discussion about how to avoid online dating burnout with the mindset to rule all mindsets: self-compassion.
Oodles of research indicate that one of the most effective tools for healing burnout is mindful self-compassion, or turning towards our pain with understanding and kindness.
That matches my experience as a dating therapist — my most burnt-out clients are typically the most self-critical. Maybe you can relate?
Let’s imagine your partner of several months breaks up with you, sending you into an all-out war internally. Your self-talk might sound something like this:
I wasn’t attentive enough.
I wasn’t interesting enough.
I need to lose 20 pounds.
I’m a loser — no wonder she broke up with me!
In Western societies, self-criticism tends to be seen as a virtue. Self-flagellation motivates positive change, right?
Wrong.
Duke psychology professor Mark Leary found that self-compassion leads to taking more personal responsibility after a negative event, not less. Self-criticism, in contrast, overwhelms us with regret, which in turn stops us from learning from difficult situations. Self-compassion leaves us feeling hopeful, ready to use lessons learned to grow and re-engage in more productive ways.
So the next time you’re caught in a shame storm, belittling yourself for your dating failures, try taking a self-compassion break instead. A little self-kindness can go a long way.
TLDR
Signs of online dating burnout include:
Feeling bitter, cynical, or hopeless about dating
Avoiding dating altogether
Impulsive behaviors like rage-deleting all the apps
Losing your capacity to genuinely connect on dates.
Burnout is extremely common — nearly 80% of people report emotional fatigue due to online dating.
Online dating is exhausting for many reasons:
Trying to build intimate connections with strangers is hard.
Dating is high stakes, so disappointments hit hard.
Repeatedly dashed hopes lead to burnout.
It’s easy to feel helpless about dating, which in turn incites despair.
Compared to other kinds of socializing, dating isn’t predictably nourishing.
Online dating apps are designed like slot machines: compelling yet draining.
Being evaluated is anxiety-producing. And anxiety is exhausting.
To prevent online dating burnout:
Get intentional and mindful about how you date.
Pace yourself on the apps and in new relationships.
Don’t expect dating to meet all of your relational needs.
Suggest date activities you’ll actually enjoy.
Don’t play games.
Adopt mindsets that promote resiliency.
Your mindset is one thing you have control over in dating. It also directly impacts your behaviors and in turn your dating results, so choose your perspective carefully!
Mindsets that prevent and heal dating burnout include:
Commitment to enjoy (vs focusing on what you dislike)
Growth (vs. fixed) mindset
Radical acceptance (vs. resistance)
Relational (vs. evaluative) mindset
Journey (vs. unity) mindset
Awe and gratitude (vs. scarcity) mindset
Internal (vs. external) locus of control
Self-compassion (vs. self-criticism)
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