Are you at a crossroads in your relationship? If you’re questioning whether it’s time to breakup with or further commit to your partner, today’s episode is for you. We review the signs that a relationship is healthy (or not!), including how much conflict is too much. We also discuss how and when to bring up concerns to your partner along with actionable tools you can use to clarify whether it’s time to stay or go.
📖 Prefer to read this content? Check out Stay or Go: How to Know if It's Time to Breakup with Your Partner
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
03:44 - What are the signs that a relationship is healthy or unhealthy?
10:47 - How much conflict is too much in a relationship?
22:37 - At what point do I bring up concerns I have in a relationship? How should I bring them up?
31:36 - What are some approaches that can help me decide whether to break up or commit to my relationship?
Resources and links
If you’re in imminent physical, emotional, or sexual danger in your relationship, get out safely. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7.
Warmlines - free peer-run listening line staffed by people in mental health recovery themselves
One Love Foundation has excellent resources for determining whether a relationship is healthy or not (see their list of 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships) and for safely planning a breakup.
Episode: What to look for in a long term partner
How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury
Deeper Dating, by Ken Page
Antidotes to The Four Horseman
TLDR;
Signs that a relationship is healthy:
Comfortable pace
Trust
Honesty
Independence
Respect
Equality
Kindness
Taking responsibility
Healthy conflict
Fun
Unhealthy relationship signs include:
Intensity
Sabotage
Betrayal
Isolation
Manipulation
Guilting
Belittling
Deflecting responsibility
Volatility
Possessiveness
How much conflict is too much?
It’s too much if the amount of conflict is keeping you from caring for yourself and your responsibilities.
If you’re still taking care of your life, focus more on the quality of the conflict than on the quantity of the conflict.
Watch out for the four horsemen of the apocalypse per the Gottman's: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Practice the antidotes instead and use effective communication skills like I-statements.
At what point do I bring up concerns I have in a relationship?
Speak up early, speak up often.
Make specific concrete requests.
Avoid threatening the relationship
Consider couple's therapy if you find it difficult to communicate your concerns.
Approaches for deciding whether to break up or commit to your relationship?
Clarify what you're looking for in a partner.
Use structured practices to reflect and understand what you are thinking and feeling.
Take your typical relationship patterns and your attachment style into consideration.
Ask for honest feedback from your loved ones and professionals.
Speak openly with your partner about what you need.
Run experiments in order to gather more data. E.g. wondering whether you would co-parent well? Ask your partner to babysit with you.
Get professional support.
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